Family Distance Is Not The Same As Family Estrangement

Family relationships often form the foundation of our social support systems. We grow up learning that family should be an enduring source of connection, love, and mutual support. However, this isn’t always the reality for everyone. For some adults, family relationships become a source of pain, conflict, or even trauma, and in some cases, this leads to the drastic step of family estrangement.

When discussing adult family estrangement, we need to remember one essential fact: These relationships were purposefully ended. One or both parties intentionally chose to cease contact, often after a long period of reflection or because of a culmination of negative experiences. As Scharp and Dorrance Hall (2017) note, “Family estrangement occurs when at least one family member intentionally distances themselves from at least one other family member because of a negative relationship – or the perception of one.” This sets estrangement apart from other types of family distance or separation.

Differentiating Estrangement From Other Forms of Family Distance

Most of us have family members we don’t see often, whether due to geographical distance, life stages, or differences in lifestyle. We may have relatives we only catch up with during holidays or gatherings, and in these instances, the conversations may be surface-level — limited to topics like the weather or updates about work. Yet, there’s usually no deliberate choice to distance ourselves emotionally or physically in these cases. We haven’t gone out of our way to say, “I don’t want to have a relationship with you. Don’t contact me.”

Family relationships can be distant for many reasons that have little to do with a negative perception of the person. Perhaps they live far away, or your paths have diverged due to different careers, family dynamics, or personal circumstances. The distance is unintentional in many cases. It’s not driven by conflict, abuse, or toxicity — simply the natural ebb and flow of life. More importantly, this type of low contact typically lacks a sense of finality or closure. The relationship remains open-ended, with the possibility that you may grow closer at some point in the future.

People in these low-contact relationships rarely describe themselves as “estranged.” Instead, they may say, “We’re not very close,” or “We don’t talk often.” There’s less emotional weight and permanence attached to these situations because there’s no formal decision to cut ties.

What Sets Family Estrangement Apart?

The fundamental difference between these low-contact relationships and family estrangement lies in the intentionality and permanence of the separation. When a person chooses estrangement, they are making a deliberate decision to cut ties and end the relationship, often permanently. This isn’t a temporary period of distance nor a reflection of life circumstances. Estrangement involves an active decision to stop communicating with someone because of negative experiences, unresolved conflicts, or a perceived threat to emotional well-being.

This doesn’t mean the decision is easy or taken lightly. Many who choose estrangement grapple with complex emotions, including guilt, grief, and sadness. But the core motivation behind estrangement is often self-preservation — the need to protect oneself from ongoing harm, dysfunction, or emotional distress.

In some cases, the reasons for estrangement are clear-cut: abusive behavior, toxic family dynamics, or repeated breaches of trust. In others, the reasons may seem less obvious to outsiders, but they are no less authentic or valid to the individuals involved. A family member may consistently undermine someone’s boundaries, fail to offer support, or repeatedly engage in hurtful behavior, leading to the decision to end the relationship.

It’s essential to remember that it doesn’t matter whether those outside the estranged relationship agree with or validate the reasons behind it. The individuals involved have their reasons, and those reasons are legitimate from their perspective.

Common Reasons for Family Estrangement

While the reasons for family estrangement can vary widely, several common themes emerge in these situations. Each estranged relationship is unique, but the underlying motivations often revolve around protecting one’s emotional, physical, or psychological well-being. Here are some of the most frequent causes of estrangement:

1. Abuse or Toxic Behavior: Many people cut ties with family members due to a history of abuse, whether it’s physical, emotional, or psychological. Estrangement may also result from enduring patterns of toxic behavior, such as manipulation, gaslighting, or controlling tendencies. When a relationship is consistently harmful or abusive, the safest option may be to cut off contact entirely.

2. Unresolved Conflict: Not all families can successfully navigate conflict. When disputes go unresolved for years or are repeatedly reignited without resolution, it can erode the relationship. For some, ongoing conflict can become too overwhelming to manage, leading to estrangement as the only way to break the cycle.

3. Differing Values or Lifestyle Choices: Sometimes estrangement occurs because family members hold fundamentally different values, beliefs, or lifestyles. These differences may create tension or resentment, especially if one party feels judged or rejected for their choices. This can be particularly common when religious or cultural beliefs clash or when life paths (such as career choices or sexual orientation) are seen as incompatible with family expectations.

4. Boundary Violations: Healthy relationships require respect for personal boundaries. When a family member consistently disrespects or ignores these boundaries, it can lead to estrangement. For instance, if someone continually meddles in personal decisions or disregards requests for space, the relationship can become unsustainable.

5. Protecting Mental Health: In some cases, estrangement is an act of self-preservation. If maintaining contact with a family member is detrimental to someone’s mental health — causing anxiety, depression, or emotional instability — creating distance may be the only way to prioritize well-being.

The Misconceptions Surrounding Family Estrangement

One of the most pervasive misconceptions about family estrangement is the idea that it’s always a rash, impulsive, or selfish decision. In reality, estrangement is often the result of years of frustration, unresolved tension, or emotional exhaustion. People usually reach a point where they feel that continuing the relationship is more harmful than ending it.

Another common misconception is that reconciliation should always be the goal. While some estranged families eventually reconcile, that’s not the case for everyone. For many, the decision to estrange is made after repeated attempts to mend the relationship have failed. In these cases, reconciling might mean re-exposing themselves to the very issues that led to the estrangement in the first place.

For outsiders, there may be a temptation to offer advice or suggest that the relationship can be repaired with effort or compromise. But this attitude can be dismissive of the deep, often painful experiences that led to the estrangement in the first place. It’s important to respect the choices made by those who have taken this step, understanding that they’ve likely weighed their options and chosen what’s best for their mental, emotional, or even physical health.

How to Approach Conversations About Estrangement

If someone confides in you about their estranged relationship, or if the topic comes up in conversation, it’s essential to approach it with care, empathy, and respect. Here are some key points to keep in mind:

Listen Without Judgment: People who are estranged from their families are often met with judgment or unsolicited advice. It’s important to listen openly without offering opinions on whether their reasons for estrangement are valid. Remember, their experiences and emotions are real, and their choice is likely the result of careful thought.

Respect Their Boundaries: Just as the decision to estrange is about boundaries, the way you discuss it should also respect boundaries. Avoid prying into deeply personal details or asking invasive questions that may force them to relive painful moments.

Acknowledge the Complexity: Estrangement is rarely a black-and-white issue. It’s important to recognize that family dynamics are complex and that estrangement often involves a mix of emotions, including grief, relief, sadness, and even hope.

Avoid Pushing for Reconciliation: Well-meaning suggestions to reconcile or “just forgive and move on” can be harmful. Reconciliation is not always possible or healthy, and pushing for it dismisses the emotional journey that led to the estrangement.

The Deliberate Nature of Estrangement

In any conversation about adult family estrangement, it’s essential to remember that these relationships were purposefully ended. The decision to cut ties with a family member is a deeply personal one, rooted in lived experience and emotional survival. While those on the outside may struggle to understand or accept this decision, it’s crucial to approach the topic with empathy, respect, and an acknowledgment of its complexity.

Estrangement is not simply about “giving up” on family; it’s often a necessary step toward healing, growth, and establishing healthier boundaries. Recognizing the intentionality behind estrangement helps foster more compassionate, supportive conversations — both for those directly involved and those seeking to understand.