If You’re Afraid Of Repeating Your Family Dysfunction, Read This

It makes sense that you fear passing on generational dysfunction in your family. You know how it has impacted you, and you care—you care a lot. This is a good thing. Awareness means you’re paying attention and seeing the potential risks. People who are aware are less likely to repeat those generational patterns. Awareness is the necessary step before change, and you’re already there.

I hear this from all of our members at Calling Home: How can I make sure this ends with me?

This is the hard truth: you will make some mistakes. You’ll start new patterns of dysfunction, and you’ll probably carry on a few as well.

Every person is operating in their own world for the first time. We can end patterns of abuse and neglect, but we will inevitably mess up and hurt the people we love from time to time.

You cannot be perfect. This is why the most essential tool in your toolkit is repair.

When you know how to be accountable, apologize, and try again, you can stop these hurts from becoming entrenched patterns that take root in your family tree. When we know how to repair, we may have moments of dysfunction, but we typically can avoid the deep-rooted generational trauma that happens when denial rules the system.

How Growing Up In A Dysfunctional Family May Have Impacted You

Dysfunctional families often lack emotional consistency. This may cause children to develop feelings of insecurity and instability. When parents are emotionally unavailable, neglectful, or abusive, children may struggle to form secure attachments. This can result in attachment disorders or difficulty trusting others.

If you don’t want to repeat this pattern:

• Work on your tolerance for closeness with others. Practice getting to know people slowly and looking out for signs of safety.

Children in dysfunctional families frequently experience criticism, neglect, or emotional abuse. This can foster feelings of worthlessness or inadequacy, making it difficult for them to feel confident about their abilities. Repeated exposure to negative reinforcement can internalize a belief that they are not "good enough." A study published in the journal Child Abuse & Neglect found that emotional neglect and abuse during childhood can lead to lower self-esteem and higher rates of anxiety and depression in adulthood.

If you don’t want to repeat this pattern:

• Work on strengthening your inner voice and make it sound less like your parent. You do not have to speak to yourself like you were spoken to throughout childhood.

Growing up in an environment of unpredictable emotions or conflict often triggers chronic anxiety. These individuals may develop hypervigilance, constantly being on guard for potential threats. This can make it hard to relax, enjoy relationships, or feel safe, even in non-threatening environments.

If you do not want to repeat this pattern:

• Work on creating a safe space for yourself. This might be your home, a room in your house, or a space you can visit, like a yoga studio. Teach yourself that you can create a space where you are safe and comfortable.

Children exposed to dysfunctional family life are at a higher risk of developing depression and other mood disorders as adults. These environments can stifle emotional expression or discourage open communication, leading individuals to suppress their feelings and struggle with unresolved emotional pain.

If you do not want to repeat this pattern:

• Practice sharing your feelings with a therapist, friend, or other safe person.

Dysfunctional families model poor conflict resolution and unhealthy communication. As a result, individuals may struggle to build and maintain healthy relationships, often repeating the patterns of dysfunction they observed growing up. They might also gravitate toward codependent or abusive relationships, feeling more comfortable in chaos due to their upbringing.

If you do not want to repeat this pattern:

• Work on identifying the types of relationships you are drawn to and their impact on your life. Doing this work with a therapist or in a support group might be helpful.

How To Tell If You’re Repeating The Same Patterns

If you are repeating the same dysfunctional patterns, you will see yourself making the same decisions or repeating the same behaviors as those who came before you. These patterns and behaviors may not look exactly the same, but they will often lead to similar results. You will also notice that making these decisions doesn’t require much thought. It feels almost reflexive or instinctual. When you are deconstructing your family dysfunction and trying to do something different, the actions that feel the easiest or come the most naturally are typically the ones that will lead to more chaos in your life. You have to pause and train yourself to have new responses.

Get clear on the areas in your life where this dysfunction shows up - it may be dating, work, health, etc. Then, try to become aware of your typical response to stressors or conflict in these areas. Moments of stress or conflict are when repeating dysfunctional patterns is most likely.

Warning Signs That You’re Falling Into The Same Patterns

If it feels familiar or like something you recognize from the most dysfunctional moments of your life, pay attention to it. You don’t need to become obsessive or constantly on high alert for these red flags. You’re not an endless self-improvement machine, and you’ll slip into old patterns occasionally. What’s important here is that you can recognize when you consistently behave in ways that remind you of your family's dysfunction or lead to similar outcomes.

Next Steps You Can Take To Avoid Repeating Family Dysfunction

You’re reading this article, so I know you’re already taking some steps. But if you want to do more, you can:

• Take our Emotions 101 Course to help you identify your feelings and learn how to process them
• Join weekly support groups at Calling Home or in your community
• Connect with a therapist and process how your past is impacting your present
• Become aware of the patterns in your family and how they manifest in your own life

Remember, you will repeat patterns, and you will likely make mistakes. What matters is that you can recognize those mistakes and repair them as you go. No one is perfect.