You Need To Stop Enabling Your Family Members

September 18, 2024

While enabling and caretaking can feel extremely supportive, it may also negatively affect the person you’re trying to help.

You need to stop enabling your family members.

You need to stop saving them from every potential consequence.

You need to stop trying to fix them.

Why do I enable my family members?

Enabling family members often comes from a place of love and a desire to help or protect them. It can be a way to avoid conflict, ease your anxiety, or keep things calm in the family dynamic. But, enabling behavior usually (unintentionally) allows family members to continue patterns that can be unhealthy or problematic.

Here are a few common reasons why you might enable a family member:

Desire to Help: You may want to help your family members avoid suffering or discomfort. This is natural, but sometimes helping them in specific ways (e.g., rescuing them from the consequences of their actions) prevents them from learning and growing.
Avoiding Conflict: Enabling can be a way to maintain peace in the family. You might accommodate their behavior to avoid arguments or keep the atmosphere harmonious.
Guilt or Responsibility: You might feel overly responsible for your family member's well-being, especially if you were raised in an environment that emphasized self-sacrifice or codependency. This can lead to overstepping boundaries to "fix" their problems.
Fear of Rejection: You may worry that if you don’t support or go along with their actions, they will become upset, withdraw from you, or even reject you.
Unclear Boundaries: In family relationships, boundaries can sometimes be blurred. It can be hard to know where one's responsibility ends and the other's begins.
Short-Term Relief: Enabling can provide a temporary solution or immediate relief to a situation, which can feel satisfying in the moment. However, it often leads to long-term negative consequences for everyone involved.
Patterns from Upbringing: You might be repeating patterns you learned growing up, particularly if you were raised in a family where enabling was common.

Can enabling be a form of love?

Enabling can feel like a form of love because it typically stems from a deep desire to care for and protect those you love. It can involve acts of kindness, sacrifice, and support, which are usually associated with loving behavior. However, while the intention behind enabling is often rooted in love, the effects can be counterproductive or even harmful.

True love involves supporting the other person's growth and well-being, sometimes by making tough choices, setting boundaries, and allowing them to face the natural consequences of their actions. Enabling often shields the person from those consequences, which can inadvertently encourage unhealthy patterns and hinder their development.

This also depends on the other person’s developmental age and what you are trying to help them with. A behavior that is considered loving and supportive with a toddler may not be viewed the same way when done in a relationship with another adult. It’s normal to struggle with the idea that helping someone can sometimes harm them.

What impact does my enabling have on my loved ones?

While enabling and caretaking can feel extremely supportive, it may also negatively affect the person you’re trying to help.

Excessive enabling has been shown to:

Hinder Personal Growth: By stepping in to solve problems for them or prevent them from facing the consequences, you might inadvertently stifle their ability to learn from experiences. Struggles, mistakes, and setbacks are vital for personal growth, resilience, and self-efficacy. When these are avoided, your loved ones may not develop the skills or confidence needed to navigate life on their own.
Create Dependency: Enabling can create or reinforce a dependency on you for support, problem-solving, or even basic functioning. This reliance can make it difficult for your loved ones to make decisions, take responsibility for their actions, or feel capable of managing their own lives.
Encourage Unhealthy Behaviors: Whether it’s substance abuse, financial irresponsibility, or other harmful habits, enabling can provide a safety net that allows the behavior to continue without consequences. When loved ones know they’ll be rescued from difficult situations, they might feel less urgency to change.
Erode Self-Responsibility: When problems are consistently handled for them, your loved ones may struggle to take ownership of their actions or choices. They may come to believe that they are not responsible for their own lives or that someone else will always fix things for them.
Impede Problem-Solving Skills: Facing challenges and learning to overcome them is essential for building problem-solving skills. If you continually intervene, your loved ones may miss out on developing these critical skills, making it harder for them to handle similar situations in the future.
Create Resentment: You and your loved ones can become frustrated over time. You might feel unappreciated or drained by constantly helping, while they may feel patronized or incapable. This dynamic can strain relationships and lead to resentment on both sides.
Distort Reality: Constant enabling can blur the line between support and over-involvement. Your loved ones may begin to see their actions as normal or consequence-free, not recognizing the need for change. This can prevent them from acknowledging the full scope of their behavior and its impact.
Affect Their Self-Worth: If someone is always stepping in to “fix” things, it can undermine their sense of self-worth and independence. They might come to believe they are not capable or trustworthy enough to manage their own lives, which can lead to feelings of helplessness or inadequacy.

How does enabling affect my own well-being?

Emotional Exhaustion and Burnout

When you enable a loved one, you often invest considerable emotional energy trying to "fix" their problems or shield them from consequences. This can lead to emotional exhaustion or burnout. Constantly managing someone else’s life can become overwhelming, causing chronic stress and feeling overwhelmed. According to the American Psychological Association, chronic stress can significantly affect both emotional and physical health, leading to anxiety, depression, and a weakened immune system.

Resentment and Frustration

Although the intention behind enabling is to help, it often leads to frustration and resentment over time. You might feel unappreciated, manipulated, or trapped in the caretaker role. This resentment can affect your relationship with the person you’re enabling and spill over into other areas of your life. The stress and resentment built up can contribute to feelings of hopelessness and, in some cases, depression.

Erosion of Personal Boundaries

Enabling often involves sacrificing your own needs to meet the demands of others, which can erode personal boundaries. This can make you feel like you are losing your identity outside of the relationship. In the long term, blurred boundaries can contribute to feelings of being taken for granted and negatively affect your self-esteem and self-worth.

Codependency

Enabling is often linked to codependent behaviors, where you derive your sense of identity and self-worth from helping others. Codependency can trap you in a cycle of trying to manage others' emotions and lives, leading to neglect of your own needs and well-being. This can result in chronic stress, anxiety, and a distorted sense of self.

Physical Health Consequences

Chronic stress and emotional exhaustion from enabling can take a physical toll. The Mayo Clinic notes that ongoing stress can lead to physical symptoms such as headaches, digestive issues, high blood pressure, sleep disturbances, and a weakened immune response. By constantly prioritizing the needs of others, you may also neglect your self-care, further exacerbating health issues.

Impaired Personal Growth

When your time and energy are consistently directed toward managing someone else's life, it can leave little room for your personal growth and self-development. This can hinder your ability to pursue your goals, hobbies, and interests, contributing to feelings of stagnation and dissatisfaction.

How can I stop being an enabler?

Recognize Enabling Behaviors

The first step in stopping enabling is to become aware of what it looks like. Enabling behaviors can include:

Taking responsibility for others' problems
Covering up or making excuses for their actions
Bailing them out of situations they caused
Offering help or support that allows them to avoid facing consequences

Set Healthy Boundaries

Boundaries are vital for maintaining healthy relationships. Setting boundaries means defining what you are and are unwilling to do to help others. For example, you might set a boundary around not lending money, not making excuses for their behavior, or refusing to engage in arguments.

Setting boundaries is not about punishing the other person; it's about taking care of your well-being and allowing them to take responsibility for their actions.

Shift from Fixing to Supporting

Enablers often try to "fix" problems for others, believing they are helping by doing so. However, this approach can prevent loved ones from developing the skills they need to handle life's challenges. Instead of fixing their problems, aim to provide support that empowers them to take action for themselves.

For example, if a loved one struggles with substance abuse, rather than giving them money, you might offer to help them find a treatment program or attend support meetings. A study in the Journal of Substance Abuse Treatment suggests that support that empowers individuals to take personal responsibility is far more effective in promoting long-term recovery than enabling behaviors that shield them from consequences.

Allow Natural Consequences

One of the most challenging but necessary aspects of stopping enabling is allowing loved ones to experience the natural consequences of their actions. While it can be painful to watch someone you care about face hardship, experiencing consequences is often the catalyst for change. Shielding them from these consequences may prolong their unhealthy behavior. It is natural to want to protect those we love, but stepping back and allowing them to deal with the outcomes of their actions is crucial for developing self-sufficiency and problem-solving skills.

Practice Self-Care

Enablers often neglect their own needs and well-being while helping others. It is important to prioritize self-care, which includes setting aside time for relaxation, hobbies, and activities that bring you joy. Taking care of your mental, emotional, and physical health allows you to be more present and supportive in a healthy way.

Seek Support for Yourself

Breaking the cycle of enabling can be difficult, and seeking support from others can make a big difference. Consider joining a support group such as Al-Anon or our groups at Calling Home, where you can connect with others facing similar challenges. These groups provide a safe space to share experiences, gain insights, and receive encouragement.

Therapy can also be a helpful resource for exploring the underlying reasons for enabling behaviors. A therapist can work with you to develop healthier relationship patterns and provide tools for setting and maintaining boundaries.

Communicate Openly and Honestly

Have open and honest conversations with your loved ones about your changes. Explain that you intend to support their growth and well-being, not to abandon them. Discuss the boundaries you are setting and why they are necessary. While these conversations can be difficult, they are essential for establishing a new dynamic in the relationship.

Accept That Change Takes Time

Breaking the enabling cycle does not happen overnight. It requires patience, practice, and a willingness to make mistakes along the way. Be kind to yourself as you navigate these changes. Remember, your goal is not to change the other person but to change how you respond to them to foster healthier relationships.

If you identify as the Enabler or Caretaker in your family, we have more content about dysfunctional family roles, here.