How Do I Say This?: I Want An Apology From My Parents

How Do I Say This?: I Want An Apology From My Parents

If you’re reflecting on your childhood, you may come across moments or memories that are painful, traumatic, or confusing. Many adults also have issues with their parents throughout adulthood and feel like they need to discuss what happened and why.

When this happens, many adults want to approach their parents for an apology, and they’re not quite sure where to start.

Here is a disclaimer: You cannot make an emotionally immature person become emotionally mature. You can say everything perfectly, and they still may not get it. We will give you the tools to help you craft an ideal statement, and the rest is up to the other person.

1. Try to set yourself up for success. Plan a time to speak when everyone is calm. Do not bring things up in a heated moment.
2. Get clear on what you want to accomplish with this conversation and make that known. Are you hoping to ask questions? Do you want clarity? Are you looking for an apology or changed behavior?
3. If this is the first time you’ve brought this up, be ready to discuss this several times and give the other person time to understand. If this is a longstanding issue, it’s likely that it will not be solved in one conversation.
4. Be on the lookout for DARVO: "Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender." The offender may Deny the behavior, Attack the person who is raising the issue, and Reverse the roles of Victim and Offender. They are now the victim role, and you are the offender. This occurs, for instance, when an actually guilty perpetrator assumes the role of "falsely accused," attacks the accuser's credibility, and blames the accuser for bringing up a false accusation. If this is happening, it may be wise to postpone or end the conversation.
5. Try to explain your feelings instead of attacking them. These topics can be very sensitive and triggering. Instead of attacking the other person, try to explain how it impacted you and what feelings you are experiencing.

Again, you could follow all of these steps and still not have success with your parent. Unfortunately, some emotionally immature individuals are unable to have these conversations. If you do all of these things successfully and the conversation does not go well, it may be time to step back and evaluate if continuing to seek an apology is the right decision for you.