How To Accept Your Sibling For Who They Are

You grew up in the same home. You have the same genes. You share thousands of memories. You’re supposed to be close. You’re supposed to take care of each other. You’re supposed to sit around the table laughing and reminiscing every holiday.

And you just can’t find a way to make it work as adults. When you see each other, you feel like you’re staring at a stranger across the room. You know, there’s someone out there walking around with shared memories and shared DNA that you know nothing about.

Countless adult siblings struggle to accept one another, to move past old hurts, and to find a way to relate.

Even when sibling estrangement is the best choice, people are left with the loss and shame that they couldn’t continue one of their longest relationships in adulthood. Many clients report that they have no idea how to discuss this with other people. They don’t know how to describe the lack of relationship or the reasons why it happened. They’re saddled with the fear of being judged for being unable to maintain one of the longest relationships of their lives. They wonder, if I can’t make it work with someone who I share a history or DNA with, what does that say about me?

The inability to have a relationship with a sibling occurs across a spectrum. Sometimes, you just don’t enjoy the same hobbies, or your lives have taken different paths. Sometimes, there was parental favoritism or sibling abuse, and the pain is simply too deep to get past. Sometimes, you have incompatible personalities or values that make it feel impossible to connect. You may decide that you are so different and so much damage has been done that you can’t possibly have a relationship. If this is you, estrangement might be the only option, and I’m writing something for you next week. If you feel like you want a relationship and you want to find ways to connect, this email is for you.

Despite growing up in the same home, with the same parent(s), siblings have distinct interests, personalities, values, and life paths. During childhood, you bond via your membership in the family. You likely live under the same roof and participate in the same activities or hobbies. Your parents may also pressure you and your siblings to be involved with one another or to participate in certain shared activities.

As you move into adulthood, you begin to develop your own sense of self and your own interests. While you’re figuring out your goals and life path, your siblings are doing the same thing in their own way. You know those families that are all living in the same city and living their lives together? Maybe they all decide to have kids at the same time and to live in the same city, their spouses get along, they vacation together, and everything just seems to flow. People who share the exact same interests, values, and life plan as their siblings are either all committed to living out the same life plan no matter what, or they’re just plain lucky. So many siblings will have to attempt to build and navigate relationships while living completely different and/or separate lives.

If you and your siblings have completely different goals, personalities, and values, you may have to work harder to maintain deep relationships as adults.

How To Connect With Your Sibling In Adulthood

1. You need to get to know them as the person they are and let go of the childhood version of them. I know, easier said than done. But, you have changed a lot since childhood, right? Imagine that you just met your sibling today, what would you want to learn about them? Start getting to know them as a new friend.
2. Make one-on-one time for each other. It’s very easy to slip back into old family patterns when you are with your parents or other family members. As adults, it’s so important to set aside solo time with siblings to develop your own individual relationship.
3. Leave your parents and other family members out of it. This is another area where siblings can slip back into old patterns or jockeying for a parent’s attention. Your adult sibling relationship can stand alone and it doesn’t always have to include your parent’s or other family members’ influence.
4. Accept who they are today. Having a real relationship with your adult sibling requires accepting who they are today. This means you accept what they can and cannot give you, their choices for their life, and their interests. You can absolutely set boundaries and recognize that your sibling is a unique individual that you cannot change. More on this below.
5. Figure out what you want the relationship to look like. Relationships involve multiple people and it helps if you’re on the same page. What does closeness look like for each of you? How do you want the relationship to function? How much contact is reasonable?
6. Discover shared interests. Now that you are living on your own and have your own lives, what bonds you? This might be a shared hobby, being in a similar life stage, movies, etc. Figure out what you like to talk about and what you can bond over.
7. Set boundaries around what divides you. If you can’t seem to agree on a particular topic or things always get heated when you’re discussing X, it might be time to set a boundary around that topic. There is no rule that you have to discuss and agree on everything to have a relationship with a sibling.

Accepting Your Siblings for Who They Are

Sibling relationships are complicated because they come with a lot of baggage. You were both there for each other's childhood and you were uniquely impacted by whatever unfolded within your household. The issues between you and your sibling may have even intensified because of your own unique reactions to your childhood.

I want you to consider this question: If my sibling never changes, what do I want our relationship to look like?

I truly believe that everyone is capable of change. That doesn’t mean that people want to change, they’re ready to change, or they know how to change. You may spend your entire life waiting for someone to change. Or, you can hope for the best, live in alignment with your values, and accept what you’ve got. In my experience, the second option is way easier.

Accepting who your sibling is does not mean that you like or endorse their beliefs and/or their behavior. It simply means: I recognize that this is who my sibling is and I cannot change them.

Take a moment to work through these questions about your sibling(s):

• What qualities do they have that are hard for me to accept or be around?
• What do I wish I could change about them?
• What do I enjoy or appreciate about them?
• What tasks or issues are they able to help me with?
• When in my life have they shown up for me in a way that I liked and appreciated?
• What situations tend to be hard for my sibling(s) to handle?
• Are there any events from childhood between my sibling(s) and I that are hard for me to forget or reconcile as an adult?

You will likely notice some themes as you work through these questions. It’s helpful to use this information to develop a blueprint for the type of relationship you want to have and the type of relationship you can have with your sibling. Unfortunately, we often create an image of what we wish our sibling relationships would look like. We compare them to other families online, in our community, or on television. Then we consistently set ourselves up for disappointment when we go to them with something they cannot give us.

Take a moment to reflect on the answers you provided above. What is the general theme? What do you need to accept?

Repeat whatever applies: I accept that my sibling ________.

Maybe it’s…Cannot connect emotionally. Cannot offer me support. Cannot validate my choices or emotions. Cannot share in my success. Cannot understand my perspective. Cannot accept who I am.

Then the question becomes: If my sibling cannot ______, can I have a relationship with them? Every single person reading this will have a different reaction to that question.

Defining Our Own Relationship

When siblings are struggling to form a solid relationship in adulthood, they’re often met with a lot of judgment, criticism, and advice from other well-intentioned family members (like their parents). Parents and other family members want siblings to get along because it allows the family to function well and ensures that the family tree will continue after older generations pass. There is a safety in knowing your children will “have each other” when you’re gone. But, sometimes their well-intentioned involvement further strains the relationship.

There are also families where parents align with one sibling against the other children. These alliances in the family can make it extremely difficult to have healthy relationships. If a parent or another family member is actively trying to create distance or discord between you and your sibling, you both have to recognize that and form your own relationship outside of this conflict.

Remember: you are an adult. You get to define the relationship with your sibling and decide exactly what it will look like. This relationship does not have to make sense to anyone else or be what they demand it to be.

If someone pressures you to have a different relationship with a sibling, you’re allowed to say:

• We are working on our relationship on our own.
• Thank you for the feedback, this is between me and my sibling.
• I am not comfortable inviting them to that event.
• I am not comfortable reaching out to them right now.
• If you would like to tell them that you can, I am not going to communicate for you.
• I know you wish our relationship was different and this is just how it is right now.
• I wish our relationship could be closer, but this is where we’re at right now.
• I appreciate you letting us figure this out on our own.