How To Repair The Relationship With Your Sibling

Sibling relationships, like any long relationship, will require repair. You may need to repair the relationship after a disagreement or a long period of estrangement.

Some sibling relationships end after gradually drifting apart, while others end after a series of major conflicts. While it may be tempting to end a relationship with a sibling and finally be free of the drama that comes with the conflict, this relationship ending can come at a significant cost.

The Cost Of Ending A Sibling Relationship

It’s hard to tell when estrangement or repair is the right choice.

Before cutting off a sibling relationship, consider what you want your life to look like with this person, what story you want to tell, and what you need to protect yourself from.

We know that people with strong networks of friends and family live longer and have happier, healthier lives. And we know that people consistently subjected to traumatic, abusive interpersonal relationships are negatively impacted. Sometimes repair is the best course of action; sometimes, cut-off is the only way to live a happy, healthy life.

Many people express a sense of relief when they end a sibling relationship. Others report a loss of connection and shared history. It’s hard to know how you will feel, and it’s worth exploring. Sibling estrangement is challenging and sad, even when it brings relief.

If you want to begin repairing your relationship with your sibling, here are some examples of how to start that conversation:

• “I’m sorry I said that today at lunch. I wasn’t being considerate, and I understand why that was hurtful.”
• “I know we haven't spoken in a long time. I miss you and our relationship. I would love to talk soon if you’re up for it.”
• “I have done a lot of work trying to understand what went wrong in our relationship and what role I played. I would love to get together to talk about it.”
• “I know that I hurt you, and I want to understand your perspective.”
• “I apologize for not inviting you to that party. I can see why you felt excluded. I could have handled that better.”

How To Have A Healthy Adult Relationship With Your Sibling

• Show compassion and try to understand their point of view. We know that siblings can have completely different childhood memories and experiences. It’s important to seek understanding.
• Be clear. Ask your sibling to please stop doing X or explain exactly what actions you want to change or need them to do. You cannot expect them to read your mind.
• Decrease contact when necessary. Create a relationship that is less triggering by spending less time together.
• Get to know them as the person they are today. Let go of the childhood version of them. What do you want to learn about them? Start getting to know them as a new friend.
• Make time for each other. It’s easy to slip back into old patterns when parents or other family members are involved. Sometimes it’s easier to have an independent relationship. Your adult-sibling relationship can stand alone, and it doesn’t always have to include your parents or other family members’ influence.
• Accept them. Accept what they can and cannot give you, their choices for their life, and their interests.
• Figure out what you want the relationship to look like. What does closeness look like for each of you? How do you want the relationship to function? How much contact is reasonable?
• Set boundaries around what divides you. There is no rule that you have to discuss and agree on everything to have a relationship with a sibling.