Sibling Rivalry Doesn't End At 18

These different experiences lead to different memories, different relationships with parents, and sometimes fractured relationships with one another. Researchers tend to explore things like sibling rivalry, jealousy, and abuse from the lens of the parents and the child. But what about people who are trying to navigate their relationships with their siblings in adulthood? All those problems don’t magically disappear at 18.

How siblings relate to one another really comes down to one thing: how each child feels they’re being treated by their parents in relation to their siblings. According to Megan Gilligan, PhD, being treated differently by a parent, regardless of whether it’s real or imagined, is one of the biggest predictors of sibling rivalry and competition. This is true in childhood and adulthood.

Siblings often fight over the roles they were forced to take on within the family. Let’s say you grew up in a family with a single parent who was addicted to alcohol. You’re the youngest of three siblings. As the youngest, your perspective is going to be wildly different from the oldest sibling because of your age. It’s likely that you won’t understand or notice all of the same things that the oldest child sees. You may not be asked to take on all the same responsibilities. In this case, the older sibling may have taken on the role of “caretaker” because of the parent’s absence. As a result, the younger siblings view them as bossy and overbearing. They resent their older sibling for being so “perfect” and always telling them what to do. The younger or middle sibling may start to rebel and experiment in an attempt to distract from the parent’s addiction or to garner much-needed attention from the adults in their life.

As adults, these siblings are likely to get caught up in blaming one another for the roles they had to take on in childhood. The “black sheep” of the family becomes resentful of the “hero,” but they were both just doing what they needed to do to cope and survive in the system they were born into. When siblings don’t react in the same way to problems in the family, resentment and blame can surface in adulthood.

It’s important to remember that when you were a child, your sibling was likely a kid too. They were being impacted by everything that was going on and they were making decisions based on that information. Does this mean we just ignore sibling abuse? No (more on that this month). But it’s a good reminder to help enhance empathy. You may not have made the same choices as your sibling simply because you didn’t have the same choices to begin with. Part of healing in adulthood is trying to understand why your siblings behaved the way they did and how each of you impacted one another.

It's absolutely impossible to raise all your children exactly the same.

When adults bring up their memories or beliefs about their childhood, most parents respond with some variation of: "Well I raised you all the same." This response is difficult for the child who did not thrive under that parenting. Siblings who may have enjoyed their parent’s parenting style or who are similar to their parents may also become highly defensive when a sibling brings up their parent’s shortcomings. Alliances then form between certain family members and people are ostracized for having a different experience. Sometimes we can do our best as parents and it’s not the best that specific child needed. Sometimes we can do our best as siblings and it’s not what that specific sibling needed. I know that can be hard to accept and it’s something we must accept. It's absolutely impossible to raise all your children exactly the same and here's why:

• You change as time passes.
• You have varying degrees of knowledge with each child.
• Each child is different and brings out different qualities in you. This makes you respond differently to each of them. This is common with twins or multiples where you did parent them all at the same time.
• Each child is facing a different external world - different pressures, influences, etc.
• What you react to and how you choose to parent often changes based on things like gender and what is being triggered from your own past.
• Your relationships (marriage, co-parenting, and partnerships) are going to be in different places or with entirely different people each time.
• One of your children may grow up alone for some time, while another has never been without siblings.

So, maybe the parent can control the lessons they teach their child, where they grow up, and the fact that they have them as a parent, but pretty much everything else is bound to change. Each child will also interpret your parenting differently, and it will impact them in different ways. (Terrifying, I know). It would be nice if we could just find a way that worked and repeat it with each kid to get the same stellar results.

There are sibling rivalries, siblings get preferential treatment, and sibling abuse happens.

You can grow up in the same family as your siblings and have a completely different set of memories, experiences, and beliefs about your childhood. The hard part is, your parents and siblings may not agree with your interpretation or memories and that can be painful. Remember:

• sometimes everyone has a different memory or perspective and they're all valid
• some people deny what happened because it would force them to acknowledge their role in the situation
• someone can deny your experience and it can still be true
• you don't need validation from others to validate yourself

Preferential treatment from parents also doesn’t end in childhood. Adult children have their own beliefs, values, and interests and sometimes one child won’t be as compatible with their parents as the other(s). While this makes sense when we think about adult relationships and compatibility, it’s still immensely painful for the sibling that isn’t as great of a “match.”

Not having a good adult relationship with your siblings can be painful.

There is immense pressure to be “family-oriented” and to have a good relationship with our siblings. People consistently tell you that your siblings are your “longest relationship” and that “family is the most important thing.” If you don’t have a great relationship with all of your siblings, I want you to know it’s not a reflection of your worth as a person. Sometimes we just don’t get that lucky.