Emotional Neglect In A Loving Family

Dr. Jonice Webb, a pioneering psychologist and author on the topic of Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN), describes how some well-intentioned parents can harm their children. Many of these parents were emotionally neglected in childhood and this has profoundly impacted their parenting style and ability to emotionally connect with their children. Despite their good intentions and love for their children, they inadvertently neglect their needs and, in some cases, continue the cycle of emotional neglect. These parents may prioritize their children’s physical well-being while sidelining their emotions, completely unaware that this can be rooted in unresolved emotional neglect from their past.

In this article, we’ll delve into the characteristics of the well-meaning-but-neglected-themselves parent, drawing from Webb’s work on CEN, and explore the types of parents that may unknowingly continue these dynamics.

Childhood Emotional Neglect

Childhood Emotional Neglect, as defined by Webb, occurs when parents or caregivers fail to recognize, validate, or respond adequately to a child’s emotional needs. Unlike more overt forms of neglect, CEN is often subtle and unintentional, and it can happen even in otherwise loving homes. For instance, a parent might provide for a child’s physical needs, ensure they receive an education, and express care in many ways, yet fail to create a space where the child feels comfortable expressing and processing emotions.

Adults who grew up with CEN often believe that their feelings are unimportant or burdensome, which leads them to ignore their own emotional needs as parents. These individuals become what Webb describes as “emotionally neglected adults”—often well-intentioned and loving but disconnected from their emotional selves (Webb, 2018).

How CEN Leads to More Neglect from Well-Meaning Parents

Webb details how emotional neglect can happen in these families, “It is entirely possible for a parent who loves and wants the best for his child to emotionally neglect her. The truth is, to love your child is a very different thing from being in tune with your child. For healthy development, loving a child just isn’t enough. For a parent to be in tune with his child, he must be a person who is aware of and understands emotions in general. He must be observant so that he can see what his child can and can’t do as he develops. And he must be willing and able to put in the effort and energy required to truly know his child. A well-meaning parent who lacks in any one of these areas is at risk of emotionally failing his child.”

Types Of Well-Meaning Parents That Can Cause Childhood Emotional Neglect

• Authoritarian parents use high expectations, rigid rules, and punishment. Rules are rarely explained and children are expected to follow them without question. Authoritarian parents use punitive discipline tactics, often without explanation. This style of parenting can limit the amount of emotional connection between parents and their children. Many authoritarian parents were raised this way. They love and care about their children, but authoritarian parenting is the only thing they know.
• Permissive parents impose few rules and expectations. Instead, they allow their children to make their own decisions and navigate situations independently. Permissive parents often act more like friends than authority figures and may be very accepting of their child's behavior. These parents have trouble connecting emotionally because they show little interest in their children’s behavior and they prefer to not get involved. This can unfortunately make them seem uncaring and disconnected. Some parents believe that allowing their children to do everything they want is a form of love and acceptance. This is often done in response to being raised with very authoritarian or strict parents.
• Grieving parents often do not have the bandwidth or emotional skills to take care of their children during challenging times. They may not know how to grieve themselves, so their behavior becomes disruptive in their connection with their children. Or, they are so overwhelmed with their own grief that they cannot be there for their children. These parents are often doing the best they can with what they have.
• Depressed parents have love for their children, but often their symptoms make it challenging for them to connect emotionally with their children. Unfortunately, many of the symptoms of depression lead to difficulty with being emotionally present. These parents often do not realize what is missing in their parenting and they do want to be good parents to their children.
• Workaholic parents want to provide for their children and they often believe that giving their children more access to things and opportunities will result in a better future for their children. Their inability to fully focus on their children because they are distracted by work or their lack of time can often result in emotional neglect and being disconnected from their children.
• Achievement/Perfection-Focused Parents are hyper-focused on what their children can do or achieve. These parents, similar to workaholic parents, believe that this will lead to the best outcomes for their children. Unfortunately, hyperfocusing on achievement can diminish their emotional connection with their children.

According to Webb, “None of these well-meaning people probably had any idea that they were not providing their children with the fuel that they would need for a happy, connected life. They were each simply recreating what they had experienced in their own childhoods. One of the unfortunate aspects of Emotional Neglect is that it’s self-propagating. Emotionally neglected children grow up with a blind spot about emotions, their own as well as those of others. When they become parents themselves, they’re unaware of the emotions of their own children, and they raise their children to have the same blind spot. And so on and so on and so on.”

Loving Parents And Childhood Emotional Neglect Can Cause Confusion

The parent’s ability to provide physically and in other important areas, without any emotional connections, can be very confusing for the young child and that confusion often persists through adulthood. These adults may experience guilt for wanting more from their parents, while also realizing they are deeply wounded and deficient in some areas because of their parent’s emotional misattunement. It makes sense why this happens. We have consistently been told that a parent’s primary job is to provide for their child physically. “You have a roof over your head and food on your plate” was the battle cry of many of your childhoods. You may feel that because you haven’t been abused, you don’t have a right to be upset about your childhood. It makes sense why acknowledging this pain makes it feel like you are turning on your parents. But remember: you can recognize your pain and love your parents. You can acknowledge everything your parents did for you and feel hurt by their lack of emotional affection. You can heal this pain and have gratitude for the good in your life.

By learning about childhood emotional neglect, you are ensuring that you do not continue to perpetuate this theme in your own family. You are recognizing that even the more well-intentioned and loving people can unknowingly impose harm.