How To Explain Childhood Emotional Neglect To Your Parent

Explaining childhood emotional neglect to your parents can be incredibly challenging, especially since many parents may not be aware of or understand the concept. Here are some examples of how adults might frame this conversation in a respectful and honest way.

Remember, if you choose to explain this to them, it’s likely because you want them to understand. This means we have to speak in a way that allows for understanding. We recommend sharing your goal for the conversation with your parent before getting into the conversation. You may want them to apologize, just to hear you and seek understanding, or change their behavior. Each example can be adjusted to fit your unique relationship and communication style.

Direct but Gentle Approach

This approach works best if you have a reasonably open relationship with your parents and feel they’d be receptive to listening.

“[PARENT], I’ve been learning a lot about how our emotional experiences as kids shape us as adults. I’ve come to realize that, while I know you loved me and did your best, there were times when I felt really alone emotionally. I don’t think I learned how to handle my feelings or to express them because we didn’t talk about that much. I’m working on understanding my emotions better now, but I wanted you to know how it’s affected me.”

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Example-Based Approach

If your parent is likely to respond better if they have specific examples, you could describe the situation while focusing on how it impacted you.

“There were times when I felt like I couldn’t come to you for support because I didn’t want to bother you or make things harder. Like, when I struggled with [specific issue], I really wanted to talk, but I didn’t feel comfortable opening up. As an adult, I sometimes have trouble sharing what I feel with others. I think this is partly because I didn’t learn how to express those feelings growing up.”
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Expressing the Long-Term Impact

If you want to help your parents understand the ongoing effects, you can focus on how childhood emotional neglect has shaped your adult experiences.

“Growing up, I often felt like I should be able to manage everything on my own like it wasn’t okay to need help or feel vulnerable. I’ve carried that into adulthood, and it’s been hard for me to rely on people emotionally. I know you didn’t mean for that to happen, but I think it’s because we didn’t talk much about feelings or needs.”

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Affirmation of Positive Intent

Acknowledging that your parents likely did their best can help reduce defensiveness and keep the focus on your experience rather than their actions.

“I know you both cared for me and wanted the best for me, and I’m grateful for everything you did. At the same time, I’ve noticed that I sometimes feel disconnected from my own feelings, like I’m not sure what I feel or if it’s okay to feel that way. Maybe I missed out on learning how to process and express emotions because we didn’t talk about them much. I’m working on it now, and I thought it might help you understand some of what I’ve been going through.”

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Explaining The Concept of Childhood Emotional Neglect

If you think your parents might respond to a more conceptual explanation or definition, this approach helps clarify that childhood emotional neglect isn’t necessarily about blame.

“I’ve been learning about something called childhood emotional neglect, which happens when kids don’t get certain emotional support. It’s not always something parents do on purpose; it’s more about what kids don’t receive. I think it applies to me because I sometimes struggle with recognizing and expressing my feelings. It might be that our family wasn’t big on emotions, which wasn’t anyone’s fault, but it’s affected me in ways I’m trying to understand and work through.”

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Focusing on Your Current Goals and Needs

If you sense resistance or potential for defensiveness, you could frame it in terms of the changes you’re hoping to make rather than what was “missing.”

“I’m trying to work on being more connected with my feelings and on letting people in more. Sometimes I wonder if I’d have learned those skills sooner if we’d talked about emotions more when I was young. I know it wasn’t something our family really focused on, but I just wanted to share why it’s something I’m working on now.”

As always, know that you can say everything right and it still may not be received well. Some parents may feel defensive, guilty, or dismissive; others may be open and empathetic. Prepare for various responses and know that you are always in control of how you respond and what you choose to do next.