More Reasons Why Parents Emotionally Neglect Their Children

David arrives home after a long day at work and finds his daughter Lucy at the kitchen table. At ten years old, she’s spirited, creative, and inquisitive. She’s eager to share her day with him—her schoolwork, new friends, and worries about her math test next week. But David, exhausted from work and worried about money, listens while scrolling through his phone, nodding occasionally. This is a typical after-school interaction for them.

But today, Lucy does something different. She pauses momentarily, aware that her dad isn’t fully listening to her, and waits for him to notice she’s no longer speaking. David is distracted by an email, and it takes him several minutes to notice that his daughter has stopped sharing.

Eventually, he looks up from his phone and finds her staring at him. Lucy bravely says, “It seems like you don’t really care about what I’m saying.” Caught off-guard, he dismisses her with a quick, “Of course I’m interested! I work hard every day for you. I love you.” Lucy feels guilty for even bringing this up. And from David’s perspective, he’s doing everything he can to provide for Emily, working long hours, giving her the best education, and ensuring her future security. What he said is true; he loves his daughter. But he doesn’t realize he’s neglecting some of her most significant needs: undivided attention, emotional presence, and validation.

To David, these little moments with his daughter are just part of his day. He’s so overwhelmed by everything he’s juggling that he can’t seem to slow down and notice what is right in front of him. However, to Lucy, each missed opportunity to connect is like a brick building a wall between her and the person she needs most.

David also believes that his main role as a father is to support his daughter financially. He can’t seem to set boundaries around the areas of his life that make this increasingly impossible. David is a loving father who needs to understand how his actions impact his daughter before they become a recurring theme in their relationship.

Understanding Why Parents Emotionally Neglect Their Children

Stories like David and Lucy’s are not uncommon. Many parents unintentionally emotionally neglect their children despite being well-intentioned and wanting the best for them. So, what are the reasons behind this disconnect? Why do some parents fail to recognize the emotional needs of their children, even as they strive to meet other requirements? Here are some key reasons why this form of neglect happens and why parents often feel they’re doing the right thing.

Parents’ Own Emotional Blind Spots

Some parents may have been raised in environments where emotional support was absent, and they simply don’t recognize the signs of emotional neglect. They were taught, perhaps implicitly, that emotions are less important than actions or that self-sufficiency is a sign of strength. As a result, these parents may carry on these patterns, assuming that material provisions or general stability is what makes a child feel loved. A father who was taught that “big boys don’t cry” might instinctively discourage his son from expressing vulnerability, reinforcing a cycle of suppression. Without intending harm, he believes he’s helping his son “toughen up.”

Focus on External Success Over Emotional Development

In a society that often prioritizes achievement, many parents feel their primary duty is to ensure their children’s future success. Parents may push their children to excel in academics, sports, or social activities without recognizing that these goals alone are insufficient for emotional well-being. The result is often a child who feels valued only for achievements, not their true self. A mother may encourage her daughter to work harder on her grades while unintentionally overlooking her child’s anxiety and stress, thus teaching her that her worth is linked to her accomplishments rather than who she is.

Emotional Overwhelm and Stress

Modern parenting has many stressors, including work, finances, relationships, and personal challenges. Parents under chronic stress often experience emotional exhaustion, making it difficult to be fully present with their children. They may inadvertently “check out” or avoid deep emotional interactions because they are mentally and emotionally drained, prioritizing their own coping mechanisms over emotional connection. A single mother balancing two jobs may spend little time connecting with her child, feeling that her exhaustion is justified given her sacrifices. She may not realize that her child feels abandoned emotionally, even if their basic needs are met.

Belief in “Tough Love” as Preparation for Life

Some parents adopt a “tough love” approach, thinking that emotional detachment will prepare their child for a challenging world. This approach may lead parents to distance themselves emotionally or downplay their child’s emotions, not realizing the potential harm. This “sink or swim” mentality can foster a deep sense of loneliness or inadequacy in children. A parent might intentionally withhold affection or praise, believing that it will help their child become more resilient. They may say, “Life isn’t always going to pat you on the back,” without realizing that this mindset prevents their child from feeling valued and secure.

Cultural or Generational Beliefs

In certain cultures or generations, emotions are often seen as secondary to survival or success. Older generations who have experienced economic hardship may prioritize practicality over emotional connection. For parents raised in these settings, emotional support might seem trivial compared to providing food, shelter, and education. A grandparent who grew up during an economic depression might tell their son that expressing emotions “softens” children, leading that parent to carry on emotionally withholding behaviors, even if unintentional.

Fear of Burdening Children

Ironically, some parents avoid emotionally connecting with their children because they fear being a burden. They think sharing emotions or deeply connecting might overwhelm or harm their children. As a result, they withdraw, aiming to protect their child from adult complexities without realizing they are creating an emotional divide. A father who is grieving the loss of his own parent might decide to mask his feelings around his children, unintentionally signaling that emotions should be hidden rather than shared.

The Impact of Well-Intentioned Emotional Neglect

Though these parents may believe they are doing what’s best, the effects of emotional neglect can linger in a child’s life for years. Children who grow up emotionally neglected often struggle with self-worth, emotional regulation, and trust in relationships. They may become adults who have difficulty identifying and expressing their feelings, seek validation through achievement, or feel disconnected in their relationships.

Emotional neglect doesn’t stem from a lack of love but from a lack of awareness. For parents like David, it’s not about learning how to love their children—it’s about learning to connect with them in ways that foster emotional security and resilience. When parents recognize the importance of emotional presence, they build stronger, healthier bonds with their children, ensuring they feel seen, valued, and heard.

What Do I Do Now?

It’s challenging to realize that you were emotionally neglected, whether it was intentional or unintentional. And many of you may be wondering, ok, I get it, but what do I do now? The answer to this question depends on the current state of your family.

Your Parent(s) Is Still Emotionally Neglectful

If you are an adult child of a parent who continues to be emotionally neglectful, you have a couple of options. You can tell them how you feel and try to bring about change, you can accept them and surrender to the fact that this is how they are, or you can end your relationship with them. Because emotional neglect occurs on a spectrum, some of you will find that your parent learns and improves with time. In contrast, others will realize that their parent is only becoming more emotionally neglectful or refusing to change. Some emotionally neglectful parents may even become emotionally abusive with time, thus increasing the likelihood that you need to terminate your relationship with them.

If your parent hasn’t changed and will not change, it might be time for you to decide how you will approach this relationship. You may need to grieve the fact that you are going to have to give yourself something that you should have received from your parents. This isn’t fair, and there is liberation and peace in realizing you can no longer go to this person to meet your needs. You can free yourself from the constant begging, teaching, asking, and explaining. You can finally go elsewhere to have your emotional needs met, and maybe this time, you will get what you need.

Your Parent Is Working On Changing

Some of you are in the midst of a change with your parent. Maybe they have just begun to go to therapy, or they are learning about emotions. This parent typically has some awareness but is likely to fall back into old patterns when triggered or under-resourced. In this situation, you may need to set boundaries within your relationship and decide how you would like to interact with them. There is no “right” answer here, and you have to create the type of relationship that works for you. It’s important to remember that this relationship is likely a work in progress; there will be good and bad days.

Your Parent Has Become More Emotionally Connected

Some parents do change. They get the resources and develop the insight to be more emotionally present and connected with their children. If you are one of the lucky ones who has been able to experience this, it is ok if you still have some residual grief. Witnessing your parents change in adulthood after a challenging childhood can be confusing. You may feel grateful that they have done the work to change and simultaneously resentful that it took them this long. These conflicting feelings are allowed to exist at the same time. It will be important for you to find outlets (like friends or therapy) to process some of your more conflicting feelings about this change. If your parent is new to this type of emotional connection and vulnerability, it’s crucial to be respectful of their changes and to encourage them.

Moving Forward With Your Healing

Understanding why parents might emotionally neglect their children can foster empathy and inspire change. It’s not about fault or blame but rather about raising awareness of children's invisible needs. Emotional neglect is often a gap in understanding, a pattern passed down unintentionally from one generation to the next. But with awareness, parents can begin to bridge that gap, creating a nurturing environment where children feel fully accepted and valued—not only for what they do but for who they are. Through connection, presence, and emotional openness, parents can turn well-meaning intentions into actions that genuinely fulfill their child’s needs. This can break cycles of emotional neglect and build a foundation of trust, security, and unconditional love.

When adults realize their parents emotionally neglected them, they can choose how to move forward with healing those wounds. Some will be able to heal their emotional neglect while continuing a relationship with their parents. Others may need to cut off these relationships to heal because the problems from childhood have only continued or worsened with age. Your parents do not have to change for you to change or get what you need.