What Is Childhood Emotional Neglect?

In the first several pages of her book Running On Empty, Jonice Webb, PhD, issues an important disclaimer: “All good parents are guilty of emotionally failing their children at times. Nobody is perfect. We all get tired, cranky, stressed, distracted, bored, confused, disconnected, overwhelmed, or otherwise compromised here and there. This does not qualify us as emotionally neglectful parents. Emotionally neglectful parents distinguish themselves in one of two ways, and often both: either they emotionally fail their child in some critical way in a moment of crisis, causing the child a wound which may never be repaired (acute empathic failure) OR they are chronically tone-deaf to some aspect of a child’s need throughout his or her childhood development (chronic empathic failure). Every single parent on earth can recall a parenting failure that makes him cringe, where he knows that he has failed his child. But the harm comes from the totality of important moments in which emotionally neglectful parents are deaf and blind to the emotional needs of their growing child.”

As you read this article and move through the content this month at Calling Home®, you will probably come to realize that you have experienced some examples of childhood emotional neglect and you have several or many of the symptoms of this type of neglect in adulthood. Almost all children and adults can indeed recall a moment in their lives when they felt unseen, ignored, or cast aside by their caregivers. Almost all adults can relate to a sense of emptiness, struggling with connection, and feeling overwhelmed by emotions.

And, for some of you, these symptoms and events have impacted your life tremendously. Childhood emotional neglect wasn’t a one-off moment with your parent. It was how your home functioned regularly or how a significant moment in the family was handled. Victims of childhood emotional neglect learn that their emotional world does not matter to their parent(s). They learn their emotions are a nuisance to their parent(s). They learn that their parent cannot and will not help them navigate overwhelming feelings.

It is the cause of many of your struggles in adulthood and why you felt the way you did in childhood. Only you can decide what role childhood emotional neglect has played in your suffering, but denying that it exists does not make the impact go away.

What Is Childhood Emotional Neglect?

Childhood emotional neglect occurs when a child’s emotional needs aren’t adequately met by their caregivers. It’s not about what parents or caregivers did but what they failed to do—specifically when they failed to notice, attend to, or validate the child’s feelings. Unlike physical neglect or abuse, childhood emotional neglect is often invisible and hard to identify.

To thrive emotionally, children need more than just love; they need their caregivers to notice and respond to their inner emotional world. Parents who are not well-versed in recognizing and processing emotions may unintentionally fail to provide this kind of support.

In Running On Empty, the author explores ten themes that often arise in the lives of those who experience childhood emotional neglect. Below, I have included a list of those signs and symptoms from Jonice Webb, PhD.

As I mentioned earlier, every human struggles with one or more of these issues at some point throughout their lives. But for survivors of childhood emotional neglect, the impact is often much more significant. While many can relate, survivors will likely read this list and feel as if they are reading something that was written about them and their lives.

1. Feelings of Emptiness

Signs of Emptiness:

• at times, you feel physically empty inside
• you are emotionally numb
• you question the meaning or purpose of life
• you have suicidal thoughts that seem to come out of nowhere
• you are a thrill-seeker
• you feel mystifyingly different from other people
• you often feel like you’re on the outside looking in

1. Counter-dependence

Signs of Counter-Dependence

• you’ve had feelings of depression, but you don’t know why
• you have inexplicable, longstanding wishes to run away or simply be dead
• you remember your childhood as lonely, even if it was happy
• others describe you as aloof
• loved ones complain that you are emotionally distant
• you prefer to do things yourself
• it’s very hard to ask for help
• you’re not comfortable in close relationships

1. Unrealistic Self-Appraisal

Signs of Unrealistic Self-Appraisal:

• it’s hard to identify your talents
• you sense that you may tend to over-emphasize your weaknesses
• it’s hard to say what you like and dislike
• you’re not sure what your interests are
• you give up quickly when things get challenging
• you chose the wrong career or changed several times
• you often feel like a “square peg in a round hole,” a misfit
• you’re unsure what your parents think (or thought) of you

1. No Compassion for Self, Plenty for Others

Signs of Inadequate Compassion for Self:

• others often seek you out to talk about their problems
• others often tell you that you’re a good listener
• you have very little tolerance for your own mistakes
• there is a critical voice inside your head, pointing out your errors and flaws
• you’re much harder on yourself than you are on others
• you often feel angry with yourself

1. Guilt and Shame; What is Wrong with Me?

Signs of Guilt and Shame

• you sometimes feel depressed, sad, or angry, for no apparent reason
• you sometimes feel emotionally numb
• you have a feeling that something is wrong with you
• you feel that you are somehow different from other people
• you tend to push down feelings or avoid them
• you try to hide your feelings so others won’t see them
• you tend to feel inferior to others
• you feel you have no excuse for not being happier in your life

1. Self-Directed Anger, Self-Blame

Signs and Signals of Self-Directed Anger and Blame

• you get angry at yourself easily and often
• you use alcohol or drugs as a release
• you often feel disgusted with yourself
• you have self-destructive episodes or tendencies
• you blame yourself for not being happier and more “normal”

1. The Fatal Flaw (If People Really Know Me They Won’t Like Me)

Signs of the Fatal Flaw:

• you fear getting close to people
• it’s hard to open up to even your best friends
• you tend to expect rejection around every corner
• you avoid initiating friendships
• it can be hard for you to keep conversations going
• you feel that if people get too close to you, they won’t like what they see

1. Difficulty Nurturing Self and Others

Signs of Difficulty Nurturing Self:

• people sometimes tell you that you come across as distant, or maybe even cold
• people sometimes think you’re arrogant
• you often think others are too emotional
• others come to you for practical advice, but not for emotional support
• you feel uncomfortable when someone cries in your presence
• you are uncomfortable crying yourself, especially in the presence of another person
• you don’t like the feeling that someone really needs you
• you don’t like feeling needy

1. Poor Self-Discipline

Signs of Poor Self-Discipline:

• you feel that you are lazy
• you’re a procrastinator
• you have great difficulty with deadlines
• you tend to overeat, drink too much, oversleep or overspend
• you are bored with the tedium of life
• you tend to avoid mundane tasks
• you get angry at yourself for how little you get done
• you’re an underachiever
• you have poor self-discipline
• you’re often disorganized, even though you know you have the capacity to do better

1. Alexithymia: Poor Awareness and Understanding of Emotions

Signs of Alexithymia:

• you have a tendency to be irritable
• you are seldom aware of having a feeling
• you are often mystified by others’ behavior
• you are often mystified by your own behavior
• when you do get angry, it tends to be excessive or explosive
• sometimes your behavior can seem rash to yourself and others
• you feel that you are fundamentally different from other people
• something is missing inside of you
• your friendships lack depth and substance

Signs of Childhood Emotional Neglect: Did You Experience It?

Below are some of the signs of childhood emotional neglect. You may experience these symptoms in adulthood today.

If you find yourself checking many of these boxes, it may indicate that childhood emotional neglect has impacted you. Remember, this doesn’t mean your caregivers intentionally ignored your needs; sometimes, it’s unintentional. This checklist is a starting point, and consulting with a mental health professional specializing in childhood emotional neglect can give you a more nuanced, individualized perspective of your situation.

Emotional Awareness and Expression

☐ I often have difficulty identifying what I’m feeling.

☐ I feel uncomfortable or guilty expressing my emotions.

☐ I sometimes feel emotionally “numb” or detached from my feelings.

☐ I tend to downplay or dismiss my own feelings, even when I’m hurt.

Self-Esteem and Self-Worth

☐ I frequently struggle with feelings of inadequacy or low self-worth.

☐ I often feel that I am not "good enough," no matter what I accomplish.

☐ I am hard on myself and often engage in negative self-talk.

☐ I feel uncomfortable accepting praise or compliments.

Self-Care and Boundaries

☐ I find it hard to prioritize my own needs and often put others first.

☐ I feel uncomfortable setting boundaries or saying “no” to others.

☐ I don’t often recognize when I need emotional support until it becomes overwhelming.

☐ I feel guilty or selfish when I take time for myself.

Relationships and Social Connections

☐ I struggle with intimacy and find it hard to trust others fully.

☐ I tend to feel disconnected from others, even in close relationships.

☐ I have difficulty depending on others and often believe I must handle everything on my own.

☐ I avoid discussing or expressing my feelings in relationships.

Sense of Self and Purpose

☐ I sometimes feel “empty” or like something essential is missing in my life.

☐ I struggle with finding or maintaining a strong sense of purpose.

☐ I often feel like I am just “going through the motions” of life.

☐ I have difficulty understanding or expressing who I am or what I want.

Perfectionism and Over-Achievement

☐ I feel a strong need to be perfect and avoid making mistakes.

☐ I tend to overachieve or push myself to high standards as a way to feel worthy.

☐ I am afraid of failure or rejection and sometimes avoid risks because of this fear.

☐ I often feel that my worth is tied to what I do or achieve, rather than who I am.

Emotional Dependency and Resilience

☐ I struggle to manage stress and often feel overwhelmed by emotional challenges.

☐ I tend to ignore or suppress my emotions rather than processing them.

☐ I feel uncomfortable relying on others and prefer to be emotionally independent.

☐ I sometimes feel like my emotions are “too much” for others to handle.

Self-Awareness and Reflection

☐ I often doubt my own memories or perceptions of past events.

☐ I find it difficult to recognize and validate my own needs.

☐ I struggle to be in touch with my inner self or my "inner child."

☐ I feel disconnected from my own personal history, as if it happened to someone else.

The Impact of Childhood Emotional Neglect on Adult Life

Childhood emotional neglect is also rarely done intentionally, but it still leaves a mark.

• Mental Health: It can increase vulnerability to anxiety, depression, and chronic feelings of dissatisfaction.
• Relationships: Adults might struggle to form close, connected relationships and may often feel isolated or misunderstood.
• Self-Care and Boundaries: People sometimes struggle with self-care and might have difficulties setting or recognizing healthy boundaries.

Why Childhood Emotional Neglect Often Goes Unrecognized

1. Invisible Nature of Emotional Neglect. Since CEN isn’t about overt abuse or harmful actions, it often goes unnoticed, both by parents and children.

2. Cultural and Generational Attitudes. Some cultures and generations may see discussing emotions as unimportant, perpetuating the neglect.

3. Well-Intentioned Parents. CEN can happen even in families that seem loving or have no apparent history of abuse. Parents might not have been emotionally attuned or unintentionally prioritized other needs over emotional nurturing.