How To Stop Playing The Role Of Family Scapegoat

Deciding to stop playing the role of the scapegoat can be extremely challenging. It is one of the hardest roles to stop playing because so many other roles depend on the scapegoat's existence. They need the scapegoat to be in an inferior position to maintain their own. Because of this, there may be a lot of conflict or dysfunction when the scapegoat decides to stop playing this role.

If you are the scapegoat in your family, here are some steps you can take to move out of that role:

Recognize that not everything is your fault.

Family scapegoating is when the family projects its unresolved issues onto you. Everything in the family can't be your fault or problem. It’s essential to take ownership of your part and release the rest.

Limit interactions.

You may need to reduce time spent with family members who perpetuate the scapegoating dynamic, especially at the beginning of this process. When you get stronger, you can attempt to spend more time with people who consistently blame you for everything. The scapegoat may also benefit from pulling away and realizing the family still has issues even without their presence.

Say no to misplaced blame.

Stop taking on blame or responsibilities that are unfairly placed on you. This may include telling others you will not accept the blame for something or doing this internally by telling yourself, “This is not my fault,” and reviewing the facts independently or with a trusted friend or therapist. This is a challenging step because you must remain accountable for the things you actually did, while not accepting blame for problems you did not cause.

Communicate clearly

When you choose to engage, be clear about your boundaries. Clearly state what you will and will not tolerate and remove yourself from situations where you are being unfairly blamed or criticized.

Practice Self-Compassion

Scapegoats often carry guilt and shame. Work on developing compassion for yourself by recognizing that you are not responsible for the family’s problems. You can practice affirmations, journaling, or self-care routines that remind you of your inherent value, separate from how your family treats you.

Seek Support Outside the Family

Talk to a therapist, join groups like Calling Home, and find people who can affirm your identity and who you are outside of your family.

Detach from Dysfunctional Dynamics

Practice emotional detachment techniques and learn to stop reacting to the family’s dysfunction in the way they expect you to. Recognize their behavior as a reflection of their own issues, not yours.

Redefine Who You Are

Ask yourself, “Who am I outside my family’s narrative?” and work on becoming that person.

Shift Your Focus

Shift your energy away from trying to fix or change the family dynamic, and instead focus on your own personal growth and healing.

Stop Seeking Approval

You don’t need your family’s approval or validation. Practice validating yourself and accepting that their view of you is not a reflection of your true self.

Forgive Yourself

You may feel guilt or shame for being unable to "fix" the family or for leaving toxic dynamics behind. Forgive yourself for these feelings and allow yourself to move forward.