How To Tell Your Family: "I'm Done Playing My Role."

You have been working hard this month to identify your role in the dysfunction. You’ve probably become more aware of how you tend to behave when conflict arises and how you may participate in your family’s dysfunctional dynamics.

After this awareness comes a desire to change. When you decide you are no longer participating in the family dysfunction, you may choose to explain this to your family and change your behavior. Some of you may decide to solely change your behavior and not give them an explanation. This decision will depend on your unique family dynamic and their receptiveness to your explanations. Telling your family that you’re no longer willing to participate in their dysfunction is challenging but an essential step in changing how your family will operate in the future.

At Calling Home, we are big fans of controlling the controllable. Please remember:

• You can only control your behavior. You cannot control how it is received.
• You can only control your delivery. You cannot control how it is received.
• These changes take time and likely will not be solved the first time you use the scripts and tips. Generational patterns are deeply entrenched.
• It’s hard to be the first person to change.

Here are some tips on how to approach this conversation and the behavior change:

Reflect on Your Boundaries

Before addressing your family, be clear about specific behaviors or dynamics you no longer want to engage with. Understanding your limits will help you communicate them confidently.

Specify what you will and won’t participate in. This clarity helps manage expectations and gives you a reference point if they push back against your boundaries later. For example:

• “I will no longer engage in conversations that involve criticism or blame.”
• “If you start yelling and calling me names, I will need to leave or end the conversation.”

Be Prepared To Take Accountability

We all contribute to dysfunction in some way, and it’s crucial that we realize that. If you are being abused, it is never your fault. Learning how we show up when conflict or dysfunction occurs in our families is also essential. This change is not just about telling others what they are doing wrong. It is also about recognizing and taking responsibility for our own behaviors and patterns when applicable.

Prepare for Resistance

Dysfunctional family systems often resist change, especially the members benefiting most from the dysfunction. Family members might respond with guilt, denial, blame, or anger. Preparing for this can help you remain calm and stick to your boundaries.

• “I understand this is hard to accept, but this is something I need to do for myself.”
• “I respect your perspective. I need this right now.”

Choose the Right Timing

Find a relatively calm and neutral time to have the conversation. Avoid doing this during heated moments, family gatherings, or holidays where emotions are already high. You don’t need to over-explain or justify your decision. The more concise and straightforward you are, the more control you maintain over the conversation. If the other person is being respectful, please try to allow them to ask questions or to deepen their understanding. Remember that you have often been thinking about this decision or planning it for a while, and this may be the first time they have heard about it.

Use “I” Statements

Focus on expressing your feelings and needs without accusing or blaming others. For example:

• “I feel overwhelmed and need to take a step back from certain family interactions.”
• “I need to set some boundaries for my own mental health.”
• “I want to start taking responsibility for the role I have been playing in the family. This means I am going to stop _____.”

Be Direct, But Compassionate

Be straightforward about your decision while acknowledging that it may be difficult for them to hear. Express empathy for their feelings, but stay firm in your decision.

• “I’ve realized that certain patterns in our family dynamic are affecting my mental health, and I need to make some changes for my well-being.”

Decide How Much Contact You Want

Be clear about the level of contact you are comfortable with going forward. This might mean limited contact, structured interactions, or taking a complete break.

Follow Through Consistently

Setting boundaries is only the first step. You’ll need to follow through with what you’ve communicated to show that you are serious about your new stance.

When you decide to stop participating in your family dysfunction, you will have to continue setting boundaries and assessing how you are showing up in the family. There is a very good chance that your family may not choose to change simultaneously, and that is okay. You can continue working on your tendency to show up in certain ways during moments of conflict or chaos. If and when they are ready, hopefully, they will join you in this process.