Nobody Wins In A Dysfunctional Family

We’ve spent this entire month discussing the roles that different family members can take on in a dysfunctional family.

Each role comes with its own set of benefits and its unique way of getting lost within the family.

• The Hero gets to make the family look good, and they drown under all that pressure.
  
• It’s hard to see any upside for The Scapegoat, except that they might be the one to notice and point out the dysfunction when others are blind to it. In the end, all they get is blame and shame.
  
• The Lost Child is awarded distance, and they can often hide from the drama. But they miss out on any real connection with their family members. Avoidance becomes their only coping mechanism.
  
• The Mascot learns how to win people over with their charm and humor. They may be celebrated for their ability to bring levity to the family in hard times. But their avoidance through humor is a distraction from more significant problems. They never truly allow themselves to feel.
  
• The Enabler gets to be the helper who fixes everything. They always feel needed, and they crumble under pressure, much like the Hero. Their needs are never met, and they fear they will only be loved for fixing and helping.
  
• The Problem may become the center of attention in the family, but they’re also unfairly blamed. People use them as a distraction from wider family problems, and they may never get the help they truly need.

No One Wins In A Dysfunctional Family

There’s always at least one person in every family that doesn’t want the dysfunction to end. They want to continue being the fixer, or the hero, or the Golden Child because it serves them in some way. While their role is undoubtedly harming them, it’s also protecting them. They never have to feel or change if they remain in the role and allow the dysfunction to take hold of the family. For some people, the thought of feeling everything that comes with becoming aware of the dysfunction is simply too painful. They would rather live in dishonest harmony forever. They will sacrifice any closeness or true intimacy for protection from those feelings.

This means that some of our family members will choose self-destruction in the form of addiction, avoidance, denial, lying, or codependency rather than getting honest with themselves and the people around them. They will see the problem and refuse to accept it because the problem is what they know. It seems counterintuitive, and it’s precisely what we all do when we want to protect ourselves from a problem we’re not ready to face. When presented with facts that we do not have the skills or capacity to manage, many of us will resort to denial, which only worsens the problem.

Those in denial will often feel as if they are above the problem. They are not causing drama, they’re not “getting emotional,” and they’re certainly not trying to make a big deal out of anything. They’re just existing. But they don’t realize how their existence is intensifying the problem. If we want to fix things, we have to get in the mud and get dirty. We cannot resolve anything without contending with the problem.

This is what causes the most dysfunctional family members to blame the person who is merely pointing out the problem in an attempt to fix it.

• When the scapegoat says this is a problem and that I will no longer be blamed, they are blamed even more by the family members who deny the problem exists.
  
• When the Hero says I will no longer perform to make this family look good, they are ruining the family’s image.
  
• When The Enabler says I am not longer fixing your problems and allows everyone to experience the consequences of their behavior, they become the one who is letting the family down.
  
• When The Mascot stops trying to cover up the family’s behavior with humor and levity, they become the one who cannot take a joke and is always so serious.
  
• When The Problem decides to take control of their life and get well outside the family system, the family has no choice but to face themselves.

The person who benefits the most (i.e., gains the most protection) from the family’s dysfunction will be the one who fights any positive change the most.

If you are the person leading the family in breaking free from this dysfunction, you will have to fight the urge to protect the family member who has the most to lose.

They might try to guilt, shame, or encourage you back into your original role. As a result of your change, they will feel exposed and vulnerable. Most people do not like to know that their behavior is harming someone they love, and the other person’s behavior may become extremely challenging to deal with during this transition period.

For example,

• if you try to stop enabling a family member, they may intensify their behavior to garner your attention. This can be extremely challenging because you are trying to balance their safety and your own well-being. You must be prepared to ask for help and utilize other tools in your toolkit that can keep them safe without destroying yourself.
• If you are trying to stop performing as the hero or the golden child, the first time you let your family down may be extremely painful. People around you may use shame, guilt, criticism, or contempt to try to induce guilt. They may even exile you from the family as a way to manage their shame around your lack of performance and how that reflects on the family. You will need to be prepared to utilize outside support and tools to keep your self-esteem intact during this transition period.

Stepping Out Of Your Role Is Disorienting

It is hard to stop playing a role you have been playing for your entire life. It is especially hard if the people closest to you are insistent that you keep playing that role. Give yourself time to transition out of this role, and know that you may slip back into it with your family, friends, coworkers, or even strangers. Once you become aware of the role you’ve been playing in your dysfunctional family, you can take ownership of the ways you inhabit that role, how it has harmed you and benefited you, and how you would like to show up inside and outside of your family in the future. You abandoning your dysfunctional role does not mean your family will choose to do the same, but it may force them to adjust and save you from continuing to be placed in a role you don’t wish to play.