How To Tell A Family Member Your Can No Longer Have A Relationship

If you decide to become estranged or to go “low” or “no-contact” with a family member, you may want to let them know your decision and the reasons why. For those of you who decide to tell your family member when you are taking this step and why, these are some examples of scripts you can use. You may want to have this conversation on the phone, in a letter, with a third party present, like a therapist, or in person. This depends on the relationship's current status and the safety level.

Ending a relationship with a family member can be incredibly difficult, and it's important to approach this with clarity, respect, and firmness. These are examples of statements you would use when you are ending the relationship and becoming estranged. This is likely not the first thing you should say to someone when you are having issues in your relationship. These statements would be used when all other avenues have been attempted, and you need to cease contact or end the relationship.

Depending on the situation and your level of comfort, here are a few examples of how you might communicate this decision.

*Remember, these are written by a therapist, and they sound like a therapist. This might not be the way you speak to your family member and that is ok. Please use these scripts as a guide for what should be included in your statement and make it your own.*

Direct Approach

This approach works when you want to be straightforward about ending contact without leaving room for ambiguity.

• "Our relationship is not working for me because (insert specific examples). I’ve decided that it’s best for us to no longer have contact. This isn’t an easy decision, but I believe it’s the right one for me. I hope you can respect my choice.”
• “I can no longer have a relationship with you. We are unable to communicate in a healthy way and it’s negatively impacting me.”
• “I have to make the difficult decision to no longer have a relationship with you.

Boundary-Focused Approach

This method emphasizes your need to protect your boundaries and is a bit more neutral in tone.

• "I’ve been thinking a lot about our relationship, and I have to step away from this dynamic. I will not contact you; if you reach out, I will not respond. I understand this may be difficult to hear, but I need to take care of myself. I will let you know when I am ready to speak again.”
• “This relationship is having a negative impact on my life (insert specific examples), and I can’t keep doing this. I have to end this relationship. I am not going to reach out, and I would appreciate it if you don’t contact me. If you do, I will not respond.’
• “This relationship isn’t healthy and it is taking a toll on me. I am going to have to step away from this to work on myself. I will not be speaking to you or responding until I am ready. I hope you can understand my decision.”

Compassionate and Firm

If you want to soften the message but still be clear, this tone acknowledges the difficulty of the situation.

• "This has been a really hard decision for me, but after a lot of thought, it's best for me to distance myself from our relationship. I need to focus on healing and moving forward, and that requires me to step away. I won’t be able to continue our relationship, and I hope you understand."
• “This relationship dynamic has been so hard for me, and I wish it were different. I need to step away to work on myself and decide if we can have a relationship in the future. I promise I will reach out if and when I am ready.”
• “I wish our relationship weren’t like this, and I have worked so hard to change the dynamic. It’s, unfortunately, too draining to continue like this and I have to take some space. I am not going to contact you, and I would appreciate it if you don’t reach out.”

Minimal Explanation

If you're uncomfortable or fearful of giving too many details, keep it short and factual without diving into reasons.

• "I’ve decided that I need to end this relationship. I won’t be responding to any future communication.”
• “I can no longer continue this relationship. I am not going to communicate with you any longer.”
• “This relationship has become unsustainable, and I have to remove myself.”

Focus on Moving Forward

This approach emphasizes your desire for personal growth and healing, steering the focus toward the future and/or a possible reconciliation when things change.”

• "I need to work on myself, which means stepping away from our relationship. I believe it’s what’s best for me right now. I hope you can understand that this decision is about me and my need for some space to heal.”
• “I hope that one day we can repair what has happened. But right now, I can no longer continue having this type of relationship with you. I am going to take some space for myself. (Describe what “space” means to you).”
• “I can’t keep having this type of relationship with you and I have to stop. I hope that both of us can work on ourselves while we take some space. I will reach out if and when I am ready to speak again.”

Firm, Assertive Approach

This is a more assertive and blunt approach if you've already tried to set boundaries and they've been repeatedly violated.

• "I’ve made it clear in the past what my boundaries are, and they continue to be disrespected. At this point, I can no longer maintain a relationship with you. I will not be responding to any further communication. This decision is final, and I need you to respect it."
• “I will no longer have a relationship with you.”
• “I am ending this relationship. I will not respond to any future communication, and I will not be reaching out.”