Do Women Really Marry Their Fathers?

Rachel grew up in a home with a lot of violence and emotional abandonment. Her father did everything in excess: he drank a lot, yelled a lot, and disappeared a lot.

She remembers feeling desperate for his attention, waiting up at night and hoping she’d hear him come through the door. But every time he did come home, things were miserable. He would yell and throw things. Her mom would cry and beg him to stop while Rachel hid in her room.

Rachel missed something she had never experienced and would search for it for the rest of her life.

How Fathers Influence Romantic Partner Choice

I’ve met many women like Rachel. Women whose fathers never offered them nurturance, security, or love. When women like Rachel struggle to form romantic attachments in adulthood, it’s easy to assume they lack a solid relationship with their father. It’s an old cliche, but is there truth to it?

Here’s What We Know

Daddies' Girls Choose Men Just Like Their Fathers, 2007, Durham University

• Sample of 49 Polish eldest daughters
• The team used facial measurements to show how fathers' facial features relate directly to the features of faces their daughters find attractive.
• Findings: “Women who enjoy good childhood relationships with their fathers are likelier to select partners who resemble their dads.”

Absentee Dads affect how women interpret interest from men, 2017, University Of Utah.

• Findings: “Women who were reminded of a time that their dad was absent from their lives -- or who actually experienced poor quality fathering while growing up -- perceived greater mating intent in the described behaviors of a hypothetical male dating partner and when talking with a man. These women also "saw" more sexual arousal when viewing images of men's faces.”

Impact of fathers on risky sexual behavior in daughters: A genetically and environmentally controlled sibling study, 2012, Cambridge University

• Sample of 101 sister pairs, ages 18–36
• Findings: “The results of the current study suggest that it is not how long daughters live with their fathers that influences risky sexual behavior, but rather what the fathers do. Specifically, the present analyses support the hypothesis that higher quality FDRs are uniquely protective against risky sexual behavior in daughters, with the caveat that variation around the lower end of FDR quality appears to have the greatest influence.”

Theory of Pre-sexual Programming by Dr. Judith Wright

• According to Dr. Judith Wright, our interactions with our fathers as young girls are our earliest opportunity to practice communication with the opposite sex.
• “As infants, we develop an unconscious schema of what love is, based on the way we are treated by our primary caregivers. Then, as adults, we’re attracted to people who stimulate us in the same way. It’s very common for a woman to say, “Oh, he’s too nice” about a potential partner, which is a sign that they had an unavailable father, either emotionally or physically.”

Use The Theory And Story That Helps You

Rachel and I are working together because she wants a fulfilling romantic partnership. She’s found herself in a long line of toxic relationships and wants to change the pattern.

I’m a family therapist, and the first thing I investigate is the client’s family history and earliest relationships. I know that Rachel had a tumultuous relationship with her father. She never felt safe or secure with him and always wanted more. The partners she chooses tend to be exact copies of her father. They’re loud, brash, aloof, and unreliable. She’s convinced she can fix and save them all.

Rachel is engaging in a typical pattern. She is trying to resolve an old relationship trauma through a new relationship. She unconsciously believes that if she can fix them, she will also fix her father. It’s a futile quest, and I think, deep down, she knows that.

It seems like Rachel’s story fits in perfectly with some of these theories, but it would be incorrect to assume that Rachel is struggling because of her relationship with her father. The theories I listed above are just theories. Theories and data are essential, but how we apply them to our lives is even more critical.

I want you to feel empowered by how you view your life. If the lens of “my dad wasn’t around, and this is why I struggle” is helpful and empowering for you, use it.

If you’re struggling in your romantic relationships and you’re not sure it’s because of your relationship with your father, it might not be.

We cannot assume that every woman who struggles with romantic partnerships has “daddy issues.” And many women go on to have meaningful, close partnerships despite having a complicated relationship with their father.

Who holds the blame here is also very important. If you are a daughter who was negatively impacted by the relationship with your father, it’s essential that you know it’s not your fault. It’s not your fault that your earliest relationships were tumultuous and challenging. It makes sense why you seek out the familiar. It makes sense why you’re trying to do something different. You can create new, healthy relationships in your life.

Are You Struggling In Your Romantic Relationships Because Of Your Relationship With Your Father?

Journal prompts to get you thinking.

• How does your previous or current partner(s) resemble your father?
• How are your previous or current partner(s) different from your father?
• What do you wish you could change about your relationship with your father? What do you wish you could change about your relationship with your current or past partner(s)?