How To Speak To Your Mother About Your Difficult Relationship With Your Father

Whether your parents are married or divorced, your mother may be hesitant to discuss your relationship with your father. Some mothers are overly critical of their child’s other parent, while others are highly defensive and cannot tolerate any other opinions of this person.

In adulthood, some daughters may find that their mothers want them to tolerate all the same behavior from their fathers as they did from their spouses. Many daughters are not willing to do this, or they simply see the relationship in a different light because they are daughters and not partners.

In these situations, you may want to speak to your mother about your complicated relationship with your father. Here are some suggestions.

Prepare Yourself Emotionally

Before having this conversation, take some time to reflect on your feelings and what you want to communicate. Writing down your thoughts can help organize your emotions.

Set Goals

Determine what you hope to achieve from the conversation. Are you seeking support, understanding, or advice?

Choose the Right Time and Place

Find a good time to discuss this, preferably when your mother is not preoccupied or busy. You’ll want to choose a private and comfortable location where you can talk without interruptions.

Approach with Empathy and Understanding

I know this can be challenging, but it’s important to recognize that discussing your father might be difficult for her, too. Try to start the conversation gently, avoiding accusations or blame.

Use "I" Statements

Try to communicate your feelings and experiences without sounding accusatory. For example, you could say something like, “I feel hurt and confused when Dad acts this way.”

Be Specific and Honest

It’s helpful to provide specific examples of your father’s behavior and your honest feelings about its impact on you.

Ask For Her Perspective

If your mother can be respectful and self-reflective, allow her to share her thoughts and feelings. Listen without interrupting.

Seek Mutual Understanding

Look for areas of agreement.

Discuss The Impact

Talk about how your father’s behavior affects both of you and the family dynamic. It can be helpful to provide examples.

Clearly Articulate Your Needs

Share what types of support you need and how she can help you manage this relationship. Together, discuss potential ways to improve the situation. This might include setting boundaries, seeking family therapy, or finding individual support.

If Applicable, Offer Reassurance

You can reassure your mother that you value your relationship with her and that this conversation is about seeking understanding and support. Let her know you appreciate her listening and caring about your feelings.

Examples

• “I’ve been feeling really hurt and confused about my relationship with Dad. Sometimes, he says things that make me feel unimportant and upset, and it’s been hard for me to deal with. I know this might be tough for you to hear, but I really need your support.”
  
• “Last week, when I shared my good news about school, he barely acknowledged it and then criticized me about something unrelated. It made me feel like nothing I do is ever good enough for him. I don’t know how to handle these situations, and I feel really alone in this.”
  
• “I’ve been feeling really conflicted about my relationship with Dad. His behavior sometimes makes me feel really upset, like when he dismisses my achievements or criticizes me out of nowhere. It’s affecting how I feel about myself.”
  
• “My relationship with Dad has been really difficult lately. His comments and actions sometimes make me feel very stressed and anxious. For example, when he ignores my efforts and only points out my mistakes, it makes me feel like I’m not good enough.”
  
• “Mom, there’s something I’ve been wanting to talk about. There are moments with Dad that have been really hurtful, like when he criticized my career choices in front of everyone last month. It made me feel humiliated and unsupported.”
  
• “His unpredictable moods and harsh words are starting to take a toll on me emotionally. I often feel anxious and unworthy because of how he treats me.”
  
• “When he ignored my birthday last month, it made me feel like I didn’t matter to him.”

These conversations can be difficult, but approaching them with empathy, clarity, and a focus on mutual understanding can help. However, please remember that your mother will have to possess the emotional maturity and emotional regulation skills to have this conversation with you. If you do everything right and the conversation does not go well, it may be a result of her inability to separate her identity as your father’s partner from her identity as your mother. She may also feel defensive about her relationship with him or be triggered by your ability to set boundaries and demand better behavior.