This Is What Happens When You Watch Your Father Hurt Your Mother

This is one of the most popular posts on my Instagram.

Hundreds of comments and messages poured in after I posted this.

• “My parents have a very toxic relationship. They sort of feed off of each other’s negativity and would confide in me - the child. “Your father/mother is/did x, y, z…” My mom still jabs at my Dad on a regular basis, making comments about his weight, what he eats, how he behaves around other people, what he does or doesn’t do in their home, etc. I can’t stand it. It still makes me want to push them away after all those years.”
• “My mom still does this. It deeply affected my views of men throughout my life and my relationship with my Dad.”
• “I never ever heard them say anything nice about each other.”
• “I am 45 and this still plagues me today. They only communicate through anger and bickering and conflict. And I was in the middle. The second one left the room, the slander began. I wish this on nobody.”
• “My mother would trash-talk my dad and then be disappointed in me when I didn’t want to visit him.”
• “My mother was deeply upset with my Dad on so many levels. Their relationship was super complicated and I became the accidental counsellor for both of them. My mum trashed my Dad at every opportunity and still does even though he is dead.”

Watching one parent hurt another physically or emotionally has an impact. It changes how you see each parent and how you see yourself. It makes your home feel like a confusing minefield. A *sometimes controversial* quote says, “The best thing a man can do for his children is to love their mother.” I like this version better: The best thing a parent can do for their child is treat the other parent with kindness and respect. In this article, I will show you why this is an ideal but sometimes impossible approach and the immense impact a father’s treatment of his spouse has on his children and family.

A couple of disclaimers:

• Abuse does not allow for mutual respect. No parent should ever put themselves in harm’s way to show the other parent love and respect. Respect needs to come from both parents. If it does not, safety has to be the priority. Calling out abusive behavior is not the same thing as speaking negatively about another parent. If a parent is being abusive, the child needs to be taught that this behavior is not ok and will not be accepted. Accepting abusive behavior and teaching a child that it is normal is emotionally and physically dangerous. An abusive parent is dangerous to a child.
• Data shows that single parents can be wonderful, effective parents. This quote does not negate that.
• Divorced parents can still help their children by treating one another with respect. You do not have to stay in a bad marriage to do this.
• You are showing your child love and respect when you show one of the most influential people in their life love and respect.
• You can treat the other parent with kindness and respect around your child and have boundaries with them.

How It Feels To Grow Up Watching Your Father Hurt Your Mother

When you grow up in a home with a father who consistently hurts your mother, you walk around feeling like you have a big secret that no one can find out. But you’re hardly alone in this experience: 1 in 15 children are exposed to intimate partner violence each year, and 90% of these children are eyewitnesses to this violence.

Women can abuse their male partners, but there are typically two distinct types of intimate partner violence that males perpetrate in heterosexual marriages.

• Situational or common couple violence: the partner may ‘lose control’ and act violently after being provoked by a situation or incident. Emotions get out of control and escalate. Slapping, pushing, and kicking are examples of common SCV behaviors.
• Systemic male violence: rooted in the patriarchal tradition of men controlling ‘their’ women and often involves economic subordination, threats, isolation, and other control tactics. The severity of violent behaviors tends to intensify over time.

Children excel in a safe, stable, and loving environment. They can be negatively impacted by emotional abuse, physical abuse, infidelity, or constant contempt they see or hear in the home. And, no, you don’t have to see the abuse to feel the impact. Children can experience adverse outcomes after hearing yelling and hitting in another room and sensing tension or fear in the home.

If you grew up with one parent who harmed the other, you might have felt:

• confused
• like you had to pick sides
• scared
• overwhelmed
• alone

Emotional Abuse

According to a study at the University of Limerick (UL), Ireland, childhood exposure to parental psychological abuse (name-calling, intimidation, isolation, manipulation, and control) damages children’s future mental health more than witnessing physical violence between parents.

Four hundred sixty-four university students (age 17-25) were asked about two types of intra-parental domestic abuse: physical abuse (hitting, punching, kicking, and use of a weapon) and psychological abuse (arguing, name-calling, or intimidating behavior, isolating, manipulating, or controlling). The findings show that young people who grew up in homes with psychological abuse only have poorer long-term mental health than those exposed to psychological and physical violence.

Physical Abuse

Physical violence in the home can impact children differently depending on their age.

• Preschool-aged children. Young children may experience bed-wetting, thumb-sucking, increased crying, whining, difficulty falling or staying asleep; show signs of terror, such as stuttering or hiding; and show signs of severe separation anxiety.
• School-aged children. They may feel guilty about the abuse and blame themselves. Domestic violence and abuse hurts children’s self-esteem and may cause them to avoid participating in school activities. Children who live in homes with intra-parental domestic violence will get lower grades, have fewer friends, and get into trouble more often. They also may also experience recurrent headaches and stomachaches.
• Teens. Teens may fight with family members or skip school. They may also engage in unprotected sex and alcohol/drug use. They may have low self-esteem and trouble making friends, start fights or bully others, and are more likely to get in trouble with the law.
• A boy who sees his mother being abused is ten times more likely to abuse his female partner as an adult.
• A girl who grows up in a home where her father abuses her mother is more than six times as likely to be sexually abused as a girl who grows up in a non-abusive home.
• Children who witness emotional, physical, or sexual abuse are at higher risk for health problems as adults: mental health conditions, diabetes, obesity, heart disease, and poor self-esteem.

Infidelity

Many would argue that infidelity is a “martial issue” that has nothing to do with the children. But data shows that infidelity impacts children in different ways, depending on the circumstances. Most kids, even when they aren’t aware of the affair, can detect the pain and anger their parents are feeling. Older children may also pick up on the signs of infidelity or look for evidence themselves. Some children learn about infidelity and are asked to keep it a secret from the other parent. The Journal of Family Issues also found that children whose parents were unfaithful were twice as likely to be unfaithful themselves.

General Disdain And Unhappiness

A home with zero conflict is not optimal. Parents need to argue and disagree in front of their children in a healthy way. When parents can respectfully disagree, solve problems, and repair, their children learn healthy conflict resolution skills. Fighting becomes potentially damaging when:

• it includes yelling, physical intimidation, or physical contact
• parents use derogatory or insulting remarks
• children are pulled into the conflict
• it’s unresolved, and the home becomes tense and uncomfortable for an extended period of time

And you don’t have to grow up in an “abusive” home to be impacted by your parents’ general disdain for one another. Children from homes characterized by intra-partner discord are five to seven times more likely to experience significant psychological problems than children in the general population. It is painful to watch one of the most important people in your life treat the other most important person in your life horribly. It’s challenging to hear them tear this person down. How are you supposed to connect with someone who is destroying someone you love?

Confusing And Unfair Things Parents May Do To You When They Don’t Like Or Respect One Another

• Constantly speak negatively about the other parent, but expect you to respect them and punish you if you talk negatively about them.
• Expect you to take sides and pick one parent.
• Ask you to be a confidant and therapist for their grievances with the other parent.
• Ask you to referee their arguments.
• Expect you to forget, understand, or move on from any emotional or physical violence in the home so everyone can be “together and happy.”
• Ask you to hide or lie about what is happening in your home.

Picking Sides

Some children see what is happening in the home. They recognize that Dad is abusing Mom and don’t feel torn about choosing sides. If you’re one of those children, you likely feel grief about the parent you wish you had. You may also wish you could protect your parent from the abuse and make everything ok. These children are caught up in a sea of conflicting emotions: I hope he’ll change; I know he won’t change. I wish I had a father; I hate my father. I wish I could be close to my family; I need to get away from my family. I wish I could protect my mother; I wish my mother didn’t need protection. I like the closeness with my mom; I need distance from all this.

Some children will side with the abusive parent as a form of protection. Kids who grow up in homes with domestic violence are afraid. When you are afraid, you will do anything to find safety. Many children find that if they side with the abuser, they get temporary protection from their rage. They are no longer seen as “weak.” They may even decide that Mom deserves what she is getting to avoid the pain of watching her being treated poorly. This temporary power comes at a significant cost and leads to conflicting emotions: I’m doing this to feel safe, I still don’t feel safe. I know this is wrong; I don’t know what else to do. I want my Dad to stop hurting us, This isn’t stopping him, and I don’t know what to do. I am protected now; I don’t know how long this will last.

The only other option is for the child to stand in the middle. Kids in the middle try to support both parents. They try to be comforting to Mom, and they try to be liked by Dad. This is an exhausting way to live, and there is no roadmap. It’s incredibly hard to protect someone and then befriend their abuser. Kids in the middle feel like: I have to keep track of everyone’s feelings; I don’t want to have to keep track of everyone’s feelings. I know what’s right; this doesn’t feel right. I don’t want to take sides; I have to take a side.

Calling Out Abusive Behavior Is Not The Same Thing As Treating A Parent Poorly

Some kids grew up in homes where parents never said anything kind about each other, were always putting each other down, and just genuinely didn’t seem to enjoy one another. Others grew up in homes where the way one parent was treating the other was dangerous and needed to end before someone was seriously injured.

Parents in abusive relationships who are unable or unwilling to leave (for whatever reason) may periodically attempt to protect the abusive parent. They may normalize or defend their behavior, try to cover up for the abuse, or hide things. It is not helpful for the parent to try to convince the child that their other parent is being “good” when they are clearly being abusive. Children are extremely intuitive, and they know what’s happening. You can and should call out emotionally and physically abusive behavior in a diplomatic and factual way.

When I speak to adults who grew up in these environments, the biggest struggle for them was the amount of confusion and mixed messaging. They saw Dad scream and throw things. They saw Mom’s fear. They heard Mom talk about how awful Dad is and they saw Dad treat Mom with disrespect. And then they were told to conceal and deny. Suddenly Dad was just “going through a lot” and it “wasn’t that bad.” It hurts when parents can’t say anything good about one another, and it hurts when parents deny what is actually happening.

Here are some ways to call out abusive behavior or discuss it with a child:

• “When Dad gets angry, he doesn’t handle his feelings in a safe way. Hurting people when you are upset is never okay.”
• “Your safety is important to me, and I don’t want you to see that type of behavior. I’ve decided that things need to change. One of those changes means Mom and Dad will be getting a divorce. This means we won’t be living together anymore. When it is safe for you to spend time with your dad, I promise you will be able to spend time with him.”
• “You can love your Dad and not like how he acts when he is angry,”
• “Your Dad and I have a hard time controlling our anger when we’re upset. I know you love both of us and we should not act like that around you. I do not want that to happen again.”
• “What is happening in our home is not your fault.”
• “It must be scary for you to see your parents like that. You can tell me how you feel.”
• “You do not deserve to have this happen in your family.”
• “There is nothing you could have done to prevent/change it. It is the adult’s job to keep you safe.”

Healing And Setting Boundaries

Now, this is where I tell you: you are not doomed to a life of pain and suffering if you grew up in a home like this. You can heal, find peace, and set boundaries.

• Learn about healthy relationships. You’re doing that right now!
• Set boundaries. As an adult, you do not have to participate in your parents’ marriage dynamic. You can set boundaries around your time and space. You can agree not to serve as a confidant or referee.
• Find a reliable support system. Spend time with people in healthy relationships. Find friends who have been through what you’ve been through.
• Getting them professional help. A therapist can help you work through some of the effects that you learned about in this article.
• Remember it’s not your fault. What happened in your home was not your fault, and it shouldn’t have happened.
• It doesn’t have to happen to you. You do not have to be abused or be an abuser in your adult relationships. You are not doomed to repeat this.