Help, My Husband Is Enmeshed With His Mother

“Help, my husband is enmeshed with his mother.”

This is the subject line of an email I received from a woman struggling in her marriage. Her partner is extremely enmeshed with his mother and refuses to make decisions without her input. She calls him seven times a day and constantly shows up at their home, making it extremely difficult for the young couple to form their own family.

So many men have been placed in this dynamic with their mothers, and it harms everyone involved.

In this article, you will learn:

• The signs of mother-son enmeshment
• Why mother-son enmeshment happens
• Qualities sons develop when they are enmeshed with their mothers
• How you can heal from mother-son enmeshment
• How partners can protect their relationship from this dynamic

Before we get started, I want to be very cautious about demonizing women or mothers in this article because the main contributors to this dynamic are misogyny, patriarchal norms, and women being placed in certain roles in the home that contribute to this. I ran several polls on my Instagram, and the idea that the mother’s marriage or her relationship with her partner is one of the main contributing factors to this dynamic was reflected in the results.

When a woman does not receive emotional or physical intimacy or partnership from her partner, and she does not have the insight, regulation skills, or support system to manage this, she may look to the next male in her life to fill that role: her son. Unfortunately, this tends to force the son into a role he is incapable of fulfilling in childhood and then, in adulthood, requires him to ignore other relationships in his life, like his partner, his job, or his friends, to fulfill her needs.

When we talk about men who are enmeshed with their mothers, we use a lot of terms like “momma’s boys,” “boy moms,” etc. But what we’re really talking about here is emotional incest. These sons are being placed into a “husband role” in their mothers’ minds, and the son often goes along with it because he is getting closeness with his mother, he’s afraid he will be rejected if he does not participate in this role, and/or he has been conditioned to think this is normal.

If you’re a son and you’re wondering if you are enmeshed with your mother or you’re a partner of someone who might be, here are some signs to look out for:

• The son is the center of the mother’s world
• The mother expects all her needs to be met by her son (especially emotional support, companionship, or other roles typically filled by a partner)
• The mother cannot stand when her son is different from her and guilts him for wanting to be his own person
• The mother does not respect the son’s boundaries
• The mother expects to always be prioritized over the son’s partner or other important people in their life

You may also see these qualities in sons who are enmeshed with their mothers:

• Lack of Boundaries: The son has difficulty setting limits with his mother and often feels he must meet all of her requests or demands.
• Shared Identity: The son feels he must reflect his mother's personality and beliefs or risk causing conflict or distress. He understands there will be consequences for any deviations.
• Emergency Expectations: Even if there is no emergency, the son is expected to respond immediately to his mother’s needs. This action demonstrates his loyalty to his mother.
• Built-Up Resentment: Over time, the son will be unable to express or act on his resentment toward his mother.
• Distant Father: If the father is emotionally distant from the son, which happens often in these dynamics, the enmeshed relationship with his mother becomes exacerbated.
• Dependency Dilemma: The son becomes overly reliant on his mother’s approval, which can further impact his career or ability to form other healthy relationships outside the mother-son bond.
• Boundary Confusion: The son cannot tell where he begins and where his mother ends, leading to emotional confusion.
• Excessive Guilt: If he deviates from his mother’s personality, opinion, and wishes, he will experience guilt and risk his connection with her.
• Responsibility Overload: These sons manage their mother’s well-being, often at the expense of their health or other important things in their life.
• Self-Sacrifice: To maintain harmony, the son might suppress personal needs because they believe their mother’s emotional demands are more pressing

Why Does Mother-Son Enmeshment Happen?

• A distant spouse or unfulfilling partnership
• The mother feels alone (or is alone) in the world and expects the next male to protect and care for her, even at his own expense
• Insecurity And Separation Anxiety
• The mother is trying to live their unfulfilled dreams through their son
• Personality disorders or mental health issues
• Cultural and gender norms
• Lack of community support

How To Heal From Mother-Son Enmeshment

• Try to support small separations. If you speak to your mother seven times a day, try to cut back to six and then five. You likely will not make significant changes overnight, even if you want to. It’s essential to set realistic goals and take things slow.
• Family or couples therapy. If your parent is open, you may want to attend therapy together to help each other understand how the enmeshment negatively impacts you and what to do about it. You can also attend therapy with your spouse to work together to set boundaries and make sure you are not contributing to the enmeshment.
• Developing more support. Enmeshment intensifies when you do not have a sufficient support system. Try to integrate other people into your life and make sure you diversify who you ask for help from and who gives you advice.
• Becoming aware of patterns. Utilize resources like our How To Balance Your New Family And Your Enmeshed Family Of Origin worksheet to help you understand how enmeshment impacts you and any new relationships you are trying to develop.
• Set boundaries. Setting boundaries in an enmeshed family can be challenging. We have the How To Set Boundaries With Enmeshed Family Members scripts to help you.
• Encourage independence. Strive to make your own decisions and develop relationships outside this enmeshed relationship. This will take time and requires practice.
• Be less available. Just because you have the time doesn’t mean your time needs to be spent this way. Carve out time specifically for you and other pursuits or relationships. Remember that you can set aside specific time to help, support, or spend time with this family member, but being busy does not always mean you don’t care.