How To Avoid Triangulation With Your Partner and Their Parents

Triangulation happens when conflicts, issues, or communication between two individuals are indirectly communicated or mediated through a third party. In this case, the third party is your in-laws. If there is triangulation, they will become overly involved in the conflict or communication between you and your spouse, your relationships with your children, or other family dynamics. They may even attempt to serve as a mediator, confidant, or conduit for messages between the original parties involved without being asked to take on this role.

Triangulation is very common with in-law relationships. And while your partner must be willing to manage the majority of the communication and be an ally for you, you want to ensure that this dynamic does not evolve into a triangulation.

Triangulation can lead to:

• Miscommunication
• Increased Tension
• Loss of Autonomy
• Strained Relationships
• Dependency

If you want to have healthy boundaries and open communication with your partner, you’ll want to learn how to avoid triangulation with their parents.

Here are some strategies to help you avoid triangulation with your partner and their parents:

Communicate Directly When Possible: Encourage open and direct communication between you, your partner, and their parents. Instead of relying on intermediaries or third parties to convey messages, address issues or concerns directly with the individuals involved when possible. As mentioned in other content this month, this isn’t always possible if you have a high conflict or abusive relationship with your in-laws. In these cases, you will want to ensure that your partner communicates your words effectively and that nothing is being lost in translation. You can also use written communication or an intermediary, like a therapist, when necessary. Encourage honesty, transparency, and assertiveness in communication to prevent misunderstandings and promote clarity.

Set Boundaries: Set clear boundaries with your partner and their parents regarding communication and involvement in your relationship. Clearly define what topics are off-limits for discussion with third parties and assert your right to privacy and autonomy within your relationship. Respect each other's boundaries and avoid crossing them without consent.

Address Issues When They Happen (Don’t Wait!): Address conflicts or issues with your partner or their parents promptly and directly rather than allowing them to escalate or get worse over time. Hoping problems will disappear or just get better with time is usually not an effective strategy. Approach discussions with a willingness to listen, understand, and find mutually agreeable solutions. Avoid sweeping issues under the rug or resorting to passive-aggressive behaviors that can fuel triangulation.

Encourage Individual Relationships: Encourage your partner to maintain individual relationships with their parents that are separate from your relationship as a couple. Support their autonomy and independence in managing their relationship with their parents, and avoid inserting yourself unnecessarily into their interactions. Similarly, prioritize nurturing your relationship with your partner independently of their relationship with their parents. This may become more complicated if you have children; our Grandparents content is helpful in this situation.

Practice Active Listening: Listen attentively to their perspectives, concerns, and feelings without interrupting or dismissing their experiences. Validate their emotions and demonstrate empathy and understanding, even if you may disagree with their viewpoints. If they treat you disrespectfully or do not allow you to listen actively, you may be unable to do this with your in-laws. However, if your partner is attempting to communicate their thoughts with you in a respectful manner, it’s important to try to listen.

Clarify Miscommunications: If you think that triangulation is occurring or misunderstandings arise, take proactive steps to clarify the situation and address any miscommunications directly. Ask questions and attempt to understand anything confusing or unclear.

Go To Couples Counseling: If triangulation is happening or conflicts with your partner's parents continue to strain your relationship, consider seeking couples counseling together. A trained therapist can provide guidance, facilitate constructive communication, and help you navigate complex family dynamics in a supportive and neutral environment. You may also want to share these resources with your partner.

Set Joint Goals: Establish joint goals with your partner that prioritize your relationship as a couple and support each other's well-being. Agree on how you will handle conflicts or disagreements with your partner's parents, and commit to working together as a team to address challenges effectively.

Practice Patience and Understanding: Recognize that navigating relationships with in-laws can be complex and requires a lot of patience, empathy, and understanding. Approach interactions with your partner's parents with an open mind and a willingness to find common ground, even if you may have differing perspectives or experiences. Remember, there is a reason you are attempting to make this work in the best way possible. You cannot control how your in-laws behave, but you can control how you approach the situation within your relationship.

Maintain Mutual Respect: Try your best to maintain mutual respect and civility in your interactions with your partner and their parents, even during challenging situations. Treat each other with kindness, empathy, and consideration, and prioritize preserving the integrity of your relationships while navigating potential conflicts or disagreements. Again, you cannot control them, but you can control how you show up and interact.

How To Avoid Triangulation With Your Partner and Their Parents

By implementing these strategies, you can minimize the risk of triangulation with your partner and their parents and foster healthier, more respectful relationships within your family unit.