How To Balance The Needs Of Your In-Laws, Your Parents, And Your Own Family

Balancing the needs of your in-laws or parents with those of your own family can be challenging, depending on your family culture. However, a healthy, balanced relationship is possible with the right approach and collaboration.

What feels balanced for you may not feel balanced for others, making this dynamic challenging. When two families join, they often have different ideas about what role the extended family or parents should play in the union. It’s essential to have these discussions with your partner and agree on how you would like to include and involve your parents or in-laws in your life and marriage. Then, these expectations need to be communicated.

In this article, you will learn about:

• Common issues adults face when trying to balance their new family and the family they came from
• Why some in-laws and adult children may struggle with this balance
• Tips to help you balance your new family and the family you came from

Why It’s So Hard To Balance Your New Family And The Family You Came From

Every family has their own unique culture and way of doing things. This becomes even more apparent when two families attempt to join together. There are several reasons why this balance can become challenging.

Differing Dynamics

Your new family may have its own set of expectations, traditions, and priorities. Or you are a new family that is trying to establish its own unique way of doing things. Every family will have a different way of operating in the world, and it’s important to remain flexible and open to new ideas and ways of doing things. Meanwhile, your family of origin, including parents, siblings, and extended relatives, may have established dynamics and traditions you've been a part of for years. Negotiating these contrasting dynamics can create tension and uncertainty as you strive to meet the needs and expectations of both sides. This can be exceptionally difficult for older generations, who may feel comfortable doing things a certain way and are uncomfortable with their position in the family changing.

Loyalty And Obligations

Another hurdle is the complex web of loyalties and obligations between your new family and your family of origin. You may feel torn between the desire to prioritize your spouse and children while maintaining solid connections with your parents, siblings, and extended family members. Striking the right balance requires navigating feelings of guilt, loyalty, and responsibility toward both sets of loved ones, which can be emotionally taxing and challenging. Your parents or in-laws may struggle with this and use tactics like guilt or manipulation to shame you for choosing to prioritize your new family.

Limited Time and Resources

Time and resources are finite resources, and dividing them between your new family and your family of origin can present significant challenges. Holidays, birthdays, and special occasions often highlight this dilemma, as you may feel pressured to split your time and attention between multiple family gatherings. Deciding where to allocate your time and energy can lead to guilt, frustration, and inadequacy as you try to juggle competing priorities and expectations. Again, these are moments where in-laws or parents may try to control the situation by asserting their influence. It can be challenging to stand up to longstanding traditions and family norms when you are limited on time and resources.

Differing Perspectives On Traditions, Parenting, And Other Life Events

This is a huge challenge for adults who are trying to prioritize their new family and their family of origin. Many parents of adult children have deeply entrenched beliefs about how things “should” be done, and it can feel almost impossible to shift those dynamics in some families. Adults may find themselves constantly disappointing their parents, or their spouses may be blamed for “changing” them.

Tips To Help You Balance Your New Family And The Family You Came From

Prioritize Open Communication

Effective communication is the cornerstone of any successful relationship. Establishing open communication channels with your in-laws, your parents, and your spouse lays the foundation for understanding each other's needs, expectations, and concerns. Encourage honesty, transparency, and empathy in all interactions.

Define Boundaries

Setting clear boundaries is essential for maintaining balance and preventing misunderstandings. Consider defining boundaries regarding visits, financial support, decision-making, and other aspects of family life. Respect each other's boundaries while also asserting your own when necessary. Ensure that you and your partner are having routine conversations about expectations and how you would like to handle including or not including your extended family in these dynamics.

Decide What Role Your Extended Family Will Play

While it's important to honor and support your relationships with your in-laws/parents, your immediate family—your spouse and children—may need to take precedence in many situations. Make decisions that prioritize the well-being and happiness of your nuclear family unit while still considering the needs of your extended family. You may want to sit down with your partner to discuss what situations your parents or in-laws should be involved in and when you need to keep this issue within your nuclear family.

Allocate Quality Time

Balancing time between your in-laws/parents and your own family requires careful planning. If possible and desired, set aside dedicated time for both, ensuring that you create meaningful experiences and memories with each. Whether it's weekly dinners, holiday gatherings, or weekend outings, try to make the most of your time together while considering your limits and boundaries.

Share Responsibilities

Navigating family dynamics can feel overwhelming when you’re doing it alone. Share responsibilities with your spouse, dividing tasks such as communication, planning visits, and managing family obligations. By working together as a team, you can lighten the load and support each other in meeting everyone's needs. It often makes the most sense for each person to manage their family.

Practice Empathy and Understanding

Seek to understand the perspectives of your in-laws/parents and your spouse. Acknowledge each other's feelings and experiences, validate their perspective, and express your own. Remember that these dynamics can be complicated and tense for both of you. Your partner can be an ally during these difficult times.

Seek Compromise

Inevitably, conflicts may arise when balancing the needs of multiple family members. When faced with disagreements, strive to find compromises that satisfy everyone involved. Be flexible, creative, and willing to meet halfway to reach mutually beneficial solutions when possible. This does not mean that one side completely gives in to the other. Instead, they work together to find effective solutions.

Foster Individual Relationships

Recognize and respect the individual relationships within your family dynamic. If your spouse has a healthy relationship with their parents, you can encourage them to maintain a strong connection with them. When possible, supporting these individual bonds can strengthen the overall family unit.

Consider Professional Support:

If tensions persist or challenges seem impossible to fix, don't hesitate to seek professional guidance. A therapist can provide impartial advice, mediation, and strategies for improving communication and resolving conflicts within your family.

Not Every Family Can Stay Connected

Balancing the needs of your in-laws/parents and your own family requires patience, compromise, and a commitment to fostering healthy relationships. By prioritizing open communication, setting boundaries, and practicing empathy, you can navigate this intricate dance with grace and harmony, ensuring that all family members feel valued, respected, and loved. And, sometimes, these relationships are impossible to fix. If you are in a family where your parents or in-laws continue to harm, abuse, or neglect you emotionally or physically, you may need to consider setting boundaries or distancing yourself from these relationships. Healthy family relationships are important for your new growing family. If you find that you are constantly being worn down by the issues in your extended family, you can try these strategies consistently until you feel that nothing else can be done.