How To Have A Good Relationship With Your In-Laws (When You Can)
In-law relationships are often portrayed negatively in popular culture but can be potential sources of support, love, and companionship when possible.
When two families unite, there are bound to be some growing pains. This can be further complicated if spouses come from different backgrounds or families have different beliefs.
While in-law relationships are often portrayed in a negative light in popular culture, they have the potential to be sources of support, love, and companionship when possible.
In this article, we'll explore:
- Why in-law relationships can be so challenging
- Practical tips and strategies for cultivating a positive and fulfilling relationship with your in-laws
- How to identify when you’ve tried your best to cultivate a relationship that isn’t working
Why In-Law Relations Are Challenging For Some
Relationships with in-laws can be challenging for a variety of reasons.
- Different Backgrounds, Experiences, and Upbringing
In-laws often come from different backgrounds, cultures, religions, ethnicities, and family dynamics. These differences can lead to misunderstandings, miscommunication, and clashes in values or expectations. For example, what is considered acceptable behavior or communication in one family may be perceived differently in another.
- Family Dynamics
Each family has its unique dynamics, roles, and hierarchies. When two families join through marriage, navigating these dynamics can be complex and sometimes tense. Conflicting expectations, power struggles, and unresolved issues from the past can all contribute to strained relationships.
- Role Confusion
In-laws may struggle to adjust to their changing roles within the family after a marriage. For example, parents may find it challenging to relinquish control over their adult child or feel threatened by a new spouse's presence. Similarly, spouses may have different expectations regarding the level of involvement or boundaries with their respective in-laws.
- Lack of Boundaries
Boundary issues can arise when roles, responsibilities, and expectations within the family are ambiguous or inconsistent. Without clear boundaries, individuals may feel intruded upon, disrespected, or overwhelmed by their in-laws' involvement in their personal lives. This becomes even more challenging when one partner is accustomed to boundaries and boundary setting and the other family is used to being more enmeshed or boundary-less.
- Communication Challenges
Effective communication is essential for building healthy relationships, but it can be difficult when there are language barriers, cultural differences, or unresolved conflicts. Miscommunication, passive-aggressive behavior, or avoidance tactics can all hinder productive dialogue and exacerbate tensions between in-laws. You cannot communicate in a healthy manner with someone who lacks healthy communication skills. This often leaves the other partner feeling like they’re doing something wrong or “going crazy” when they cannot understand their in-laws.
- Expectations and Pressure
External pressures or expectations placed on individuals by their in-laws or societal norms may also negatively impact the new couple and lead to power struggles with in-laws. These expectations range from traditional gender roles and family obligations to financial support or parenting styles. Feeling judged, scrutinized, or unable to meet these expectations can strain relationships and create resentment. To manage these pressures, it's important to communicate openly with your partner and set realistic expectations. Remember, your relationship with your in-laws should be based on mutual respect and understanding, not on meeting societal norms or expectations.
- Jealousy and Competition
In some cases, jealousy or competition may arise between spouses and their in-laws, mainly if there is a perceived threat to the bond between the couple or the in-laws' relationship with their adult child. Competition for attention, affection, or influence within the family dynamic can lead to conflict and discord. This may further intensify after grandchildren are born or if one of the spouses is very close with their parents and the other set of parents sees this as a threat or abandonment.
- Unresolved Issues
Past conflicts, unresolved grievances, or emotional baggage from previous interactions can linger and affect future interactions with in-laws. Without addressing underlying issues and working towards resolution or forgiveness, resentment and animosity may fester, further straining relationships. Any unresolved issues from the past will likely not be resolved just because a new person has entered the family. If anything, they tend to intensify and may even be blamed on the new family member.
How To Create A Good Relationship With Your In-Laws
Navigating relationships with in-laws requires patience, empathy, and open communication from all parties involved. This means that you, your partner, and your in-laws must be willing to learn healthy communication skills and compromise. If you are reading this, I know you are dedicated to creating a healthy relationship with your in-laws, and you may feel like you’re the only one trying to improve this dynamic. You can only control yourself and how you behave. This means you should always strive to utilize the tips and strategies below, and it’s essential to identify when boundaries are needed and respect is not reciprocated.
Strategies And Tips
1. Communication is Key
Effective communication is at the heart of any successful relationship. Try actively listening to their perspectives and concerns and expressing your thoughts and feelings calmly and constructively. Avoid making assumptions or jumping to conclusions, and be willing to compromise when necessary.
2. Set Boundaries
Establishing clear boundaries is crucial for maintaining healthy relationships with your in-laws. While being respectful and accommodating is important, asserting your needs and preferences is also essential. Communicate your boundaries clearly and assertively, and enforce them when necessary. Remember that boundaries are not about building walls but about creating mutual respect and understanding. Boundaries keep you safe; they do not seek to control your in-laws or change their behavior.
3. Show Appreciation
Expressing gratitude and appreciation can strengthen your relationship with your in-laws. Take the time to acknowledge their efforts, whether it's a small gesture or a significant contribution. Simple acts of kindness, such as sending a thank-you note or offering to help with chores, can help foster goodwill and mutual respect. It’s also important to reinforce any “good behavior.” Try to catch your in-laws “being good” and reinforce that behavior by telling them you appreciate their actions. This will hopefully create better behavior in your relationship.
4. Find Common Ground
Look for common interests and shared experiences that you can bond over with your in-laws. Whether it's a love for gardening, a passion for cooking, or a shared hobby, finding common ground can help bridge the gap and deepen your connection. Make an effort to engage in activities together and create opportunities for quality time spent bonding as a family. Sometimes, this requires getting uncomfortable and doing activities you don’t usually enjoy. Don’t compromise your morals and values in the name of bonding, but try to get to know your in-laws as if they were any other person you’re trying to build a relationship with.
5. Respect Differences
This is a challenging one for many because respect does need to flow both ways. And I know some differences are impossible to respect. In general, it's natural for individuals to have different personalities, values, and perspectives. When you can, embrace and respect the differences between yourself and your in-laws, recognizing that diversity enriches our relationships and lives. Avoid changing or controlling them to fit your expectations; instead, focus on accepting and appreciating them for who they are. If some of your differences result in issues like racism, sexism, abuse, neglect, etc., these may not be differences you can tolerate and/or respect, and that makes sense.
6. Be Flexible
Flexibility is critical when navigating the complexities of in-law relationships. Be willing to adapt to changing circumstances and accommodate your in-laws' needs and preferences when possible. Keep an open mind and approach new situations with flexibility and understanding. This may include things like traditions, vacations, holidays, etc.
7. Maintain Healthy Boundaries with Your Spouse
While fostering a positive relationship with your in-laws is important, it's equally important to prioritize your relationship with your spouse. Maintain open and honest communication with your partner about your feelings and concerns regarding your in-laws, and work together to establish boundaries that protect your marriage while still honoring your familial ties. Your partner must be your ally when interacting with your in-laws and when setting boundaries. They should take the lead and ensure that both of your interests are respected and protected.
8. Seek Professional Help When Needed
If conflicts or tensions with your in-laws become overwhelming or unmanageable, don't hesitate to seek professional help. Family therapy or couples counseling can provide a safe and supportive environment for addressing underlying issues, developing effective strategies for resolving conflicts and improving communication.
You Tried All This, And It Isn’t Working
Building a good relationship with your in-laws requires patience, understanding, and effort from all parties involved. This means that your in-laws and your partner must participate for this to work. Unfortunately, this is not always the case.
If you have tried prioritizing open communication, setting boundaries, showing appreciation, finding common ground, respecting differences, being flexible, maintaining healthy boundaries with your spouse, and seeking professional help when needed, and it is still not working, this may not be your fault.
Building new relationships with your in-laws takes time and effort, but you cannot carry that burden alone. It’s important to recognize when you have consistently made an effort, and it is not being reciprocated. If you are in this position, you may need to have more conversations with your partner and to set stronger boundaries with your in-laws.