How To Tell Your Adult Child You're Concerned About Their Relationship

Before you approach this conversation, take a moment to evaluate your concerns. There is a big difference between not liking their partner’s interests, personality, or background and your adult child being in danger physically or emotionally. It is not wise or helpful to discuss concerns about things like their partner’s race, religion, culture, etc. Your child has already decided that these are things they love, enjoy, or are comfortable with. If your adult child is being physically or emotionally harmed by their partner and you are concerned about their safety, this is something that you may want and need to approach.

You also want to ensure that this conversation is appropriate for your relationship with your adult child. How do they usually react when you offer advice? Are you in a position where they will accept and listen to your feedback on this area of their life?

How To Have This Conversation With Your Adult Child

1. Choose the Right Time and Place

Find a time when you and your adult child can have a private and uninterrupted conversation. Choose a comfortable and neutral setting where both of you feel relaxed and at ease. If you believe your adult child is in danger, you absolutely want this conversation to remain private and to happen safely.

2. Express Your Concerns with Empathy

Start the conversation by expressing your love and concern for your adult child. Let them know that you care about their well-being and that you intend to support them, not criticize or judge their choices. Do not make their partner’s flaws the focus of the conversation; instead, focus on them and your desire for them to be in a safe, healthy relationship.

3. Be Specific and Concrete

Be specific about the reasons for your concerns, but avoid making generalizations or assumptions. Focus on specific behaviors or patterns you've observed and how they may impact your adult child's well-being or happiness.

4. Use "I" Statements

Use "I" statements to express your feelings and perspective without placing blame or making accusations. For example, instead of saying, "You're making a mistake by staying in this relationship," say, "I feel worried when I see you having so many arguments with your partner. I see how upset you’ve been lately, and I don’t want that for you."

5. Listen Actively

Allow your adult child to share their perspective and feelings without interruption. Listen attentively and with an open mind, and validate their emotions even if you disagree with their viewpoint.

6. Offer Support and Assistance

Let your adult child know you're there to support them no matter what and that you're available to help in any way you can. Offer to listen, provide guidance, or assist them in finding resources or support services if needed. Remember, the goal of this conversation is not to shame them but to show them that you will always be there to help them.

7. Respect Their Autonomy

I know this is extremely difficult and painful, but you must respect your adult child's autonomy and right to make their own decisions, even if you disagree. Avoid pressuring or coercing them into taking a particular course of action, and trust that they will ultimately make the best choices for themselves. This means that you should also expect some pushback and defensiveness from them. Many people do not want to admit they’re in a relationship that is harmful or not approved by important people in their life.

8. Set Boundaries for Your Involvement

Set clear boundaries for your involvement in their relationship and respect their boundaries as well. Let them know that you're available to offer support and guidance but that you also respect their privacy and autonomy as adults. If you are worried that they are in physical danger, let them know that you can be a safe place for them whenever they are ready, and you are not judging them.

9. Follow-Up and Check-In

After the initial conversation, it’s appropriate to follow up with your adult child periodically to see how they're doing. Continue to offer your support and assistance as needed, and remind them that you're always there for them no matter what. Make sure that you’re doing this genuinely and respectfully.

These Conversations Are Challenging

You should expect some pushback and potential defensiveness the first time you have this conversation with your adult child. Realizing that you are in a bad relationship can be very challenging. Too much shame or interference from outside individuals can cause the adult child to retreat further into the relationship. By approaching the conversation with empathy, respect, and sensitivity, you can express your concerns to your adult child in a way that fosters open communication and strengthens your relationship with them.