This Is The Only Gift You Should Be Giving Your Estranged Adult Child This Holiday Season

If you are an estranged parent who is planning to send a gift to your estranged adult child this holiday season, I want to invite you to pause and reconsider.

I wrote this post about a fictional character named Jenna. Jenna received a gift from her estranged parents, and the post opened up a conversation among estranged adults about what it is like to receive gifts. If you want to send a gift to your adult child, who you are estranged from, I suggest you read some of the comments on this post and try to understand how many of these adults feel.

As a therapist who regularly runs groups for Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents and estranged adult children at Calling Home, I have a lot of experience with this issue and insight into how your adult child might be thinking about receiving a gift from you this holiday season. This is what I know to be true in most situations: if you are a parent whose adult child has told you some form of “I do not want a relationship with you, I do not want you to contact me, I need space from you, I don't want to hear from you, or I need you to fix XYZ thing before we have a relationship,” they do not want to receive a present from you this holiday season. And what I mean by that is they don't want to receive a gift from you that is anything other than an attempt to fix the problems in your relationship.

I know that it feels very kind to give a gift, and it’s likely something you feel like you “have” to do. Like, well. You may be concerned about the message you’re sending if you don’t give them a gift, and you don’t want to appear unkind or unloving. It can feel overwhelming and painful as a parent not to send a gift. It’s a sign that your relationship has really deteriorated.

But I want you to understand that when I speak to these adults, if a gift is being given without repair, acknowledgment, accountability, or any other type of conversation, it feels manipulative. It might feel like you're trying to push everything under the rug, not listing or respecting their boundaries and choosing to do only what feels right and good for you.

And I know sending a gift feels much easier than doing all those things. Sending a gift is often easier than an apology or accountability. Maybe you don't want to do any of the things your adult child is asking of you. Some parents may want to send a gift and move on because “that’s what you do.” And I encourage you to think about what kind of message you’re sending when you will not repair but you will send a gift. Or, what message are you sending when your adult child asks for space and you show up on their doorstep with a gift?

You may also want to send a gift as a sign that you do want to work on things, apologize, and take accountability. And I want to caution you against this, but it likely will come across differently than you hope it does.

If you want to give a gift to your estranged adult child this holiday season, reflect on what has gone wrong in your relationship. Think about the things they have asked you to work on or change. Give them the gift of repair. As a bonus, I would consider doing this outside of the holiday season so that it doesn't feel targeted, manipulative, or rushed to make things better “for the holidays.”