Avoiding Extremes: Not Letting the Pendulum Swing Too Far

Cassie is a 35-year-old mother of two—a two-year-old daughter and a six-month-old son. She and her husband spent five years building a stable foundation before starting a family. Everything was planned with care and intention: they saved money, bought a home, and created beautiful bedrooms for their children. Cassie was determined to give her kids a different experience than the one she had growing up. From the very beginning, they would know they were deeply loved. They would never go without. There would always be a roof over their heads, food on the table, and a steady, loving home.

And for a while, everything went exactly as planned.

But things began to shift when her daughter turned two. Suddenly, parenting was no longer about feeding and diapers but boundaries, guidance, and discipline. Cassie now had to teach, redirect, and navigate the emotional storms of toddlerhood. Tantrums, refusals, and boundary-pushing became part of daily life, and with them came something much harder: the deep discomfort Cassie felt every time she had to say no.

It wasn’t just that her daughter cried when she didn’t get what she wanted. It was the way that her daughter’s distress seemed to crack something open in Cassie—pulling her back to her own unmet needs, to a childhood where her feelings were dismissed, and her voice went unheard. Saying no felt like a betrayal, like she was becoming the kind of mother she had vowed never to be.

Despite knowing that limits and boundaries are essential for her daughter’s development, Cassie finds herself stuck. Each time she tries to hold a boundary, the guilt and overwhelm creep in. She feels paralyzed—trapped in a painful loop where avoiding her daughter’s disappointment feels easier than confronting the ghosts of her childhood.

Cassie knows this pattern isn’t sustainable. She wants to raise a secure daughter —a child who can tolerate limits and grow from them. But getting there feels daunting, especially when the past keeps showing up in the present.

Your Commitment To Not Being Your Parent Is Holding You Back

When an adult who experienced trauma at the hands of their parents becomes a parent themselves, they often have one goal: not to become their parent. Like Cassie, these adults are committed to not creating the same childhood they experienced for their child. Because of this, they simply think about their childhood and do the opposite without considering what they might want and what their child needs.

This might look like:

• An adult who grew up with no structure becomes an overly strict parent.
• An adult raised by strict, domineering parents becomes overly lax and does not implement boundaries or rules.
• An adult who didn’t have access to anything as a child becomes excessively indulgent and buys their child everything.
• An adult raised with too many rules allows their child to do anything, no matter the risk.
• An adult whose parents were divorced stays in a relationship despite being unhappy and treated poorly because they don’t want their child to experience divorce.

When you simply do the opposite, you lose the connection with your values and your unique child. Instead, it’s important to focus on what you do want to give your child, what is the right thing for each unique child, and the context of your family at this moment. These goals and values will evolve and shift as you and your children grow.

Cassie Needs Confidence

Cassie is so fearful of becoming her parents that she can’t fully connect with the parent she wants to be. Instead of focusing on what she didn’t like about her parent’s parenting, I want to focus on the type of mother she wants to be. Cassie has already broken so many cycles. She isn’t using physical force with her children, she has financial stability, and her home is calm and free of violence. She has a stable relationship with her husband, and they have committed to not raising their voice at one another in front of the children. She has already become a version of the mother she always wanted for herself. And she’s still afraid she’s going to become her parent overnight.

Over the next few sessions, I will work with Cassie to help improve her confidence in herself and her parent. We will document moments where she is in alignment with her child and moments where she can repair. We will pay special attention to her wins and her ability to tap into her intuition. We’re especially focused on recognizing when Cassie can repair, something her mother could never do.

If you want to practice this with Cassie, you can:

• Take note of moments when you can hold difficult boundaries with your child while utilizing empathy. “I know you want that toy, but I cannot get it today. We are going to leave the store now.”
• Practice sitting with discomfort when you have to disappoint your child or when setting a boundary. Remember that you are a sturdy leader, and you are there to support and protect your child.
• Recognize when you are having fun with your child.
• When you’re unsure what to do, return to your values as a parent.
• Remember that every night that your child goes to bed fed, safe, and feeling loved is a success.

You Are Not Doomed To Repeat The Past

You are not doomed to become your parent’s worst qualities. You are not doomed to re-create your childhood for your children. You can learn something new and do something different. You are raising children during a different time and under completely different circumstances. And while you carry what happened to you with you in different forms for life, your childhood trauma does not mean that you will hurt your children. Your awareness and commitment to doing something different will be the very thing that breaks this cycle in your family.