How To Transform Your Childhood Wounds into Empowered Parenting

If you experienced childhood trauma at the hands of your parents, you may be afraid of the type of parent you are going to become. Fears like, “Will I be just like them?” are common among survivors of childhood trauma.

Trauma can indeed be passed down from generation to generation. People who experience trauma as children can mimic the same behavior with their own children. We see it happen every day. And, that does not have to be true for you. I would argue that you reading this article is a sign that it will not be true for you. You are going to do something different.

In this article, you will learn how:

• trauma can perpetuate harmful parenting practices if it is not addressed
• to identify patterns you may have unconsciously adopted from your upbringing
• just one person (your “angel in the nursery”) can completely transform the way you parent
• to build confidence in your ability to be a great parent

+ 35 reflection questions to help you process what you experienced and what you want to do differently.

How Intergenerational Trauma Is Passed Down

I like to refer back to the WHO definition of child maltreatment whenever I am writing about childhood trauma. This is their definition, “abuse and neglect that occurs to children under 18 years of age. It includes all types of physical and/or emotional ill-treatment, sexual abuse, neglect, negligence, and commercial or other exploitation, which results in actual or potential harm to the child’s health, survival, development, or dignity in the context of a relationship of responsibility, trust, or power. Exposure to intimate partner violence is also sometimes included as a form of child maltreatment.” When a child experiences child maltreatment without any protective factors or support, the impact can be intense and long-lasting. It may even intensify further when they become parents themselves, making intergenerational trauma more likely.

Research on intergenerational trauma proposes that unresolved effects of trauma continue to impact adults after they become parents. When a parent enters into an attachment relationship with their child, they are at risk of re-igniting old memories and maladaptive behaviors or coping mechanisms (Amos et al., 2011). In addition, the intimate nature of events like pregnancy, birth, and breastfeeding can become highly triggering and reactivate childhood trauma responses and memories. This may lead to feelings of hostility or helplessness in response to the growing child’s needs as the parent simultaneously tries to manage distress associated with their previous relational trauma and the child’s attachment needs (Amos et al., 2015).

For example, the inability to soothe a crying child can bring back memories of a parent's experience of neglect (Alexander, 2016). If the parent is unable to overcome these responses, the child then experiences the same challenges as the parent, and trauma is passed on to the next generation. The parent’s childhood trauma is being triggered by their child’s behavior, and instead of doing something different, their conditioning takes over and causes them to repeat more of the same. This can, unfortunately, happen to parents who sincerely wish to do something different. Without an awareness of their triggers and the skills to manage them, they will revert to what they know.

In a secure caregiving relationship, a parent responds to their child’s need for food, security, and comfort. When a child is distressed, their attachment system is activated, and they rely on support from their caregiver to regulate these responses. If the parent withdraws or the response is confusing or hostile, conflicting attachment and defense systems are activated. This can cause the child to experience intense confusion (I need you, I want you, and you’re rejecting me. What do I do?). Maladaptive behavioral and relational problems often develop as a result of this. A parent’s experiences can also dramatically affect their parenting behavior. The parent’s moods, feelings, emotional reactions, and behaviors significantly impact children's immediate and long-term well-being (Atkinson et al., 2010).

How To Identify Patterns You May Have Unconsciously Adopted From Your Upbringing

The wildly difficult thing about being triggered by parenthood is that you often don’t know what will trigger you until you’re in it. You may have plans to parent the opposite of what you experienced, yet you find yourself yelling and slamming your fist on the countertop when your child won’t listen at 5 PM on a Tuesday. It’s hard to know what will set you off until it does. And when it does, it often feels too late to correct. It’s not.

Reflection Questions

Use these reflection questions to examine your childhood wounds, how they play out in your family today, and how they impact your parenting.

1. Think about how your family handled the following areas of family life as a child.
2. Think about how your family handles the following areas of family life in the present.
3. How do you handle these areas of family life with your partner and/or children?

Family Dynamics

• How did my family handle conflict when I was growing up? Did we argue openly, or was conflict avoided or suppressed?
• Were my emotions, both positive and negative, acknowledged or dismissed in my family?
• What roles did each member of my family play (e.g., caregiver, peacekeeper, scapegoat)? How did these roles influence me?
• Did I learn to rely on others for validation, or did I feel responsible for their emotional well-being?

Emotions

• How did my parents or caregivers express their emotions? Were emotions shown freely, or were they hidden or repressed?
• When I was upset as a child, how did my family respond? Was I comforted, ignored, or punished for my feelings?
• How do I handle my emotions today? Do I tend to bottle things up or express them too strongly? Is there a pattern in how I respond to stress or conflict?
• Do I tend to feel guilty for expressing my emotions, especially negative ones?

Communication Styles

• Was it safe to communicate openly with my family, or were some topics off-limits? Were there any "unspoken rules" about what could or could not be discussed?Did my family use humor, sarcasm, or criticism to cope with difficult situations?
• When I feel upset today, do I communicate my needs directly or expect others to read my mind or guess how I feel?
• Do I have trouble listening or understanding other people's emotions? How do I typically respond to others when they express their feelings?

Love and Affection

• How was love expressed in my family? Was it verbal, physical, or shown through actions? Was it consistent or conditional?
• Did I have to earn my parents' or caregivers' love or approval?
• Do I feel uncomfortable receiving or giving affection as an adult? Why or why not?
• Do I have an unmet need for affection or attention, and if so, how do I seek to fulfill that need now?

Parenting and Caretaking

• Was I expected to take on caregiving or responsibility for younger siblings or my parents’ emotional needs?
• Do I feel overly responsible for the well-being of others in my relationships now? How do I balance my own needs with the needs of others?
• When I was a child, did I have to grow up too quickly? Do I still carry the weight of adult responsibilities, even as an adult?
• Do I feel the need to "fix" or "save" others in my relationships? How does this manifest?

Boundaries and Personal Space

• Were personal boundaries respected in my family? Did I learn to say "no" or assert my needs, or was that discouraged?
• How did my family handle privacy? Did I have the space to be myself, or was everything about the family dynamic open for discussion?
• Do I struggle to set boundaries with others today by being overly passive or rigid?
• How do I feel when others set boundaries with me? Do I respect others’ boundaries, or do I feel hurt or rejected?

Self-Worth and Identity

• Was my sense of worth tied to my achievements, appearance, or how I made others feel in my family?
• How did my caregivers handle failure or mistakes? Did they allow me to make mistakes and learn, or was there criticism and shame?
• Do I tend to seek approval from others to feel good about myself? Do I find it difficult to trust my own judgment and values?
• Do I compare myself to others frequently? If so, what do I feel I lack that they have?

Relationship Patterns

• Do I often attract or feel attracted to people who need fixing, rescuing, or helping? What does that dynamic feel like to me?
• How do I deal with conflict in my relationships? Do I avoid it, escalate it, or feel overwhelmed by it?
• How do I typically respond to feeling emotionally hurt or neglected by others? Do I shut down, get angry, or become passive-aggressive?

Coping Mechanisms and Defense Strategies

• What coping strategies did I rely on as a child (e.g., withdrawal, humor, people-pleasing, aggression)? Do I use those same strategies now?
• When faced with stress or difficult emotions, do I avoid confronting the issue or dive in too quickly without considering all perspectives?
• Do I overthink or worry excessively about potential problems, much like I did in my childhood? How does this affect my decisions and interactions today?

Triggers and Emotional Responses

• What situations tend to trigger strong emotional reactions in me? Are there patterns in how I react to those triggers (e.g., feeling abandoned, unloved, or criticized)?
• Are there phrases, behaviors, or actions that others do that remind me of my upbringing? How do I react when these triggers are activated?

Your Angel In The Nursery

We know that unresolved trauma can negatively impact parents and their children. There are protective factors and ways to cope with the intense nature of parenting that can be immensely rewarding and healing for both parents and their children. Let’s talk about “ghosts in the nursery” and “angels in the nursery.”

Ghosts in the nursery is a metaphor that has been used to describe the way parents re-enact their childhood trauma based on memories they cannot fully recall. This theory demonstrates how the “ghosts” of your past may endure and may become a persistent presence in future relationships. Researchers suggest that a safe, supportive relationship is needed before parents can begin to reflect on how abuse in their childhood influences their lives now. Interventions that help parents recognize and resolve the negative experiences from their past help them form a stable, loving relationship with their child today.

Angels in the Nursery refers to the idea that positive, nurturing, and protective experiences in early life can act as buffers against trauma. Protective experiences, where you had moments of safety, comfort, attunement, or joy provided by a caring adult (a parent, teacher, grandparent, etc.), can negate negative experiences in childhood and can be drawn upon in adulthood. Even a single positive relationship can be deeply protective.

Just like traumatic experiences can be encoded in implicit memory and shape behavior unconsciously, so can these positive moments. A person may not explicitly remember them, but they still influence emotional resilience, empathy, and relational health. They can serve as internal resources that support healthier parenting, emotional regulation, and attachment. Therapy or other emotionally corrective relationships can help bring those "angels" to the surface, especially when working with parents or individuals who are breaking cycles of trauma. We will focus on this during our groups this month (April 2025) at Calling Home.

It’s important to reflect on the angels in your nursery and not just the ghosts because they are just as likely to help you in your parenthood journey. I invite you to think about anyone in your life who may have been a positive role model or presence when you were a child. It could be a teacher, nurse, neighbor, family member, or even a sibling. Remind yourself that their impact also lives within you, and you can bring it to the surface whenever you need inspiration or confidence.

Sources:

• Lieberman AF, Padron E, Van Horn P, Harris WW. Angels in the nursery: The intergenerational transmission of benevolent parental influences. Infant Ment Health J. 2005;26(6):504–20. Pmid:28682485
• Chamberlain C, Gee G, Harfield S, Campbell S, Brennan S, Clark Y, et al. (2019). Parenting after a history of childhood maltreatment: A scoping review and map of evidence in the perinatal period. PLoS ONE 14(3): e0213460. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0213460
• WHO, Child maltreatment
• Amos J, Furber G, Segal L. Understanding maltreating mothers: a synthesis of relational trauma, attachment disorganization, structural dissociation of the personality, and experiential avoidance. J Trauma Dissociation. 2011;12(5):495–509. Pmid:21967177
• Amos J, Segal L, Cantor C. Entrapped mother, entrapped child: agonic mode, hierarchy and appeasement in intergenerational abuse and neglect. J Child Fam Stud. 2015;24(5):1442–50.
• Alexander PC. Intergenerational cycles of trauma and violence: An attachment and family systems perspective. (2015) Intergenerational cycles of trauma and violence: An attachment and family systems perspective xi, 370 pp New York, NY, US: W W Norton & Co; US. 2015.
• Fraiberg S, Adelson E, Shapiro V. Ghosts in the Nursery. J Am Acad Child Psychiatry. 1975;14(3):387–421. pmid:1141566