Managing the Fear of Not Being Included in Your Child's Life

Many adults who have an estranged or distant relationship with their parents in adulthood fear that their child may make the same decision in adulthood and remove them from their lives. This is a common fear in our groups at Calling Home. This is often reinforced by estranged parents saying, “Just wait, your child will do this to you one day, too.”

Estrangement is a consequence of issues in the relationship. It is not something that just happens. If you become estranged from your parent only to duplicate their behavior in the relationship with your own child, then yes, you might be at risk of becoming estranged from your own children. However, this isn’t typically the reality for most adults who are estranged from their family or their parents. These adults are actively working on doing something different. You are doing that right now as a member of Calling Home.

When the fear of estrangement from your own children comes up:

1. Take a moment to validate that fear. You are acutely aware that this is something that can happen in the relationship between an adult child and a parent. It makes sense why you are experiencing this fear.
2. Point out the differences. I suggest using a pros/cons style list of the things you experienced as a child and the things you are doing differently. Try to demonstrate the changes you have made so you can visually see how different things are.
3. Remember the value of repair. How often have you told yourself, “I would forgive them if they could recognize the harm and change their behavior.” As a cyclebreaker, you are going to make mistakes, and you are going to recognize those mistakes, apologize, and try to do something different. This is one of the most significant ways to prevent estrangement.
4. Relationships with your children go through different stages. It is normal to have increased closeness and more distance with your child during different stages of their life. Some distance during the teenage years is normal, while you may be your child’s favorite person when they are a toddler. This is not always a sign that the relationship is actually strained or distant.
5. If you have doubts, check-in. It is ok to check in with your child about your parenting. You can ask them how they feel about your relationship or you as a parent (in a developmentally appropriate way) throughout your relationship. You may be surprised by what they tell you (good, bad, and neutral), and this can help direct the relationship when you feel disconnected.